The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 094 - Attack Of The Clones

2006-12-08T01:14:00.000Z

Attack Of The Clones

I staggered out of the jump-clone unit, and I looked around myself in order to figure out exactly where I had landed. A few minutes later I regained my orientation, and managed to deduce that I was somewhere back up in the North.

As my memory returned, I recalled that I had jumped back up here in order to re-visit an area that, at the beginning of my adventure, had scared me more than the thought of spending the night locked in a room with a very randy hippopotamus.

I was then contacted once more by "Podee", who had previously murdered me outside my office, after she had set out on her own adventure over two months ago.

Since then she had been steadfastly committed to orchestrating as many of her own deaths as is humanly possible, and had now racked up quite a large tally of bitter and gruesome ends...

I flew a few jumps further to the west and landed at the ISS station "Borealis", where Podee met me, and we spent some time complaining to each other over the fact that the Revelations patch had ruthlessly removed our n00bness:

The patch had shockingly given me sufficient skills to fly a Cruiser, and I now wondered if I should take that next almighty step by getting into a large slavering beast of a machine for the first time, and fearlessly flying around in it, safe in the knowledge of my new-found invincibility...

As I pondered over this heavy dilemma, I once more met a pilot called "Sgt Napalm", whom I had previously encountered at the 9UY war in the south. Napalm is a member of ISS, and as such has a sworn duty to conduct his business in the most neutral manner possible.

It was at that point, that a spark of evil suddenly ignited inside of me, and I instantly began to hatch a cunning and malevolent plan to get ISS to shockingly break their hallowed and cherished neutrality...

I knew that in the spirit of friendship, ISS members were always willing to help others, and that in the spirit of self-extinguishment, Podee was always willing to die violently. All I therefore needed to do, in order to get ISS to break their neutrality, was to bring these two concepts together...

My devious ploy had worked, and I quickly undocked to gather the terrible photographic evidence of this amazing breach of neutral protocol.

I had caught ISS red-handed in the act of murder!

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

Out of a rampant attempt to bribe me, and out of the erroneous belief that he could buy my eternal silence, Sergeant Napalm then gave me a fully fitted Kestrel and a paltry bribe of a million isk, the fear in his eyes clearly begging me not to expose him...

Suffice to say, I did the only sensible thing and immediately accepted the bribe, before violently logging out of the game.

The next time I logged back in, I encountered a terrifying army of twelve clones, who were frantically flying around the system, and horrifically terrorising the poor unsuspecting locals:

I wondered what sorrowful event had transpired in empire, that had caused a dozen new players to suddenly turn to the dark side, and to leave the safety of the n00bish state war academy, in search of death and destruction in the fearless realms of 0.0.

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

Perhaps there were unseen forces of evil at work here, infiltrating their brains and corrupting their minds, causing them to spread the airs of discontent, like a man with a serious case of flatulence.

As I watched them leave the system in search of more prey to violently attack, I packed up my belongings and prepared for my glittering return to the heavily-guarded fortress of Emilio Estevez...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 093 - Breaking The Language Barrier

2006-12-04T21:07:00.000Z

Breaking The Language Barrier

Like a clock handed from one person to another, I passed the time by resting my hands on my face, and staring blankly at the invisible dark matter that surrounded me.

Every now and then, a faint communications signal whizzed past me on a high frequency. Like an air traffic controller with a malfunctioning listening device, I imagined that I could almost hear the distant chatter of pilots on a collision course with their terminal destinies.

Perhaps the noises were all just radio ga-ga, radio goo-goo, radio ga-ga...

Having previously been interviewed by the EVE Tribune, and also by the hammer-clenching Viking Gods of EVE for a news article, I now found myself being offered the chance to speak live on air, to literally tens of listeners....

The thought of spewing my dulcet tones over the wireless was indeed tempting, and like a man chewing on a loud bang, I was very excited by the prospect of creating some explosive sound-bites. However, in the end I decided to teasingly retain my mystique, and to politely decline the kind and generous offer.

Some time later, I encountered several more heroic BoB pilots, and was extremely surprised to find myself becoming friends with Jennifer Aniston, whilst raiding the tombs of Angelina Jolie...

His statement had caused my mind to snatch a glimpse of a parallel timeline, where I had lived behind the dark side of the sun, in Oceans XI, Moon III - Formulaic Hollywood Blockbuster Assembly Studio, where I had felt like:

The Mexican........

......who had spent seven years in Tibet:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

I had once learned that the Devil's own devices for turning a pilot astray were the seven deadly sins, which could all be found in many legends of the fall of celebrities from positions of power, to their shameful full-frontal public confessions of a dangerous mind filled with gluttony and indulgence.

I violently resolved to fight this club of overpowering instincts.

Not entirely unlike a man walking into the middle of a giant book, I then entered into another conversation, and bemusingly found myself parsleying the thyme by partaking of an oreganol chat with a very sage pilot:

The Herbster was a seasoned veteran who had been playing since the very beginning of EVE, and who had resolutely refused to train any Caldari skills, thus leaving himself unable to fly a basilisk.

Whereas most pilots spend their evenings shooting the enemy in violent fits of rage, The Herbster whiles away the hours by playing the following game with himself, whilst cooking delightfully aromatic curries:

Dill or no dill?

A few handfuls of the sands of time later, I slipped up Robert's back passage and ventured deep into his bowels, in search of an entrance to the inner sanctum of his crushing war machine.

Eventually, after finding the "Machiavellian School Of Philosophy" and stopping to talk with the brilliant evil geniuses who lived there, I made my way into the vast underbelly of Robert's mechanical inferno of doom.

A few minutes later, I gasped in utter astonishment, as I came across the immense propaganda machine at the very heart of his body of systems.

I bravely ejected from my shuttle and left them a suspicious message:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

Confident that my warning would be singlehandedly responsible for stopping them taking over the whole map, I smugly docked at the Mining Coalition HQ, from where I then stylishly jumped into a jump-clone on the other side of the universe.

Little did I know, that not entirely unlike meeting a group of politicians, I would be set to encounter a terrifying army of clones...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 092 - Sausage Dogs

2006-12-01T23:42:00.000Z

Sausage Dogs

I docked in the station adjacent to BoB HQ, and answered a chat request from a character whose name was strikingly familiar:

I pondered over this important question for a while, and although I felt like a n00b at heart, I had now explored such a large area of the map that I had no other choice but to conclude that my n00bness was probably now a thing of the past.

In recounting my travels I had previously made a reference to the television-show dog "The Littlest Hobo" and I now bizarrely found myself speaking to a strange player with the very same name, who was the leader of a corporation called the "Sausage Commandos"...

Like a campanologist who keeps hearing phantom telephones in his mind, my paranoia bells immediately started ringing, and I wondered if, in the tradition of Strongy Strong and Shaking Sheikh, yet another of my literary devices had assumed a life of its own.

However, I then discovered that this character had been created a full two days before I had mentioned the name, which meant that I was staring at an astonishing co-incidence of more epic proportions than the bosoms of Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson combined.

I informed him of the co-incidence:

Apparently, this master of sausages considered the fountain region (which I had visited several weeks ago) to be his property, and he forthrightly demanded that I admit my rampant trespassing into his alleged claimed lands.

After informing him that I had indeed been there, but that I was under the impression that the area was free of fried pig and cow pieces, and was inhabited by Xelas and Celestial Apocalypse, he then decided to sit me down and to enthrall me with an amazing tale of espionage, deception and pulse-raising treachery.

Once upon a time, his main character was a member of Xelas...

This story was already causing me to be more enthralled than the regular clients of a dominatrix, and I immediately started to eat and drink a large variety of cinematic foodstuffs, as I listened to the exciting show:

As he continued to bark the story to me, I could feel the waves of his hostility towards Xelas flowing from across the communications channel. This was one seriously scorned pilot, who like a fiery angular afterlife, was now hell-bent on revenge for the swelling hatred he felt towards his former alliance.

He continued in his shocking narrative:

This was an incredible tale of treachery and deceit that left me reeling with astonishment. I suspected that this frying-pan conoisseur, and his band of cumberland commandos would probably be viewed in an extremely negative way by the EVE community, although he did not seem bothered by this at all.

Like Gollum left alone in a cave for a very long time, with only a ring of bitter memories to keep him company through the ages, the Littlest Hobo had been building an army of suicide pilots, ready to wreak murderous and bloody revenge upon his former friends and allies in Xelas.

Although the tracherous story had been tremendously enthralling to listen to, I worried for the safety of my friends in Xelas, whose company I had enjoyed immensely, and I now wondered if they would find themselves violently extinguished by a vengeful pork chipolata...

In a magnanimous act of fried breakfasts, he then informed me that I too could harness the power of the sausage people...

In my continuing spirit of neutrality, I wished him success with his imminent campaign, and I then continued in my fantastical exploration of the holy land of Robert...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 091 - Total Annihilation

2006-11-29T15:01:00.000Z

Total Annihilation

There are many possible ultimate questions, and I took a moment to ponder over some of the more worthy candidates:

What is the meaning of life?

How did the universe begin?

What is 6 x 7?

What's the opposite of "inbetween opposite and like"?

Why is it usually he who smelt it who dealt it?

In the end, I opted for this ultimate question:

Well to say I was flabberghasted would be playing the situation down more than a pianist descending through two octaves of C-Minor in a subterranean concert hall.

The Robert Alliance had no qualms about publically flaunting the fact that their goal was nothing less than the total and utter annihilation of every other alliance on the map!

I could barely bring myself to steady my shaking pod upon hearing this foul news.

To me this was absolutely incredible. This boisterous family had publically declared their intention to own everything, thereby causing a flood of carebear refugees to partake of a grand exodus to the loving arms of empire space, with nothing more than a few Miner II lasers and some shimmering minerals to sustain them.

Why didn't the other alliances unite to eliminate this threat?

It would appear that the Band Of Brothers are an unstoppable force, set to win the map by conquest. I had only heard of Celestial Apocalypse standing up against them thus far. Perhaps there were others, although news of this had not yet reached me.

ASCN (who outnumber BoB greatly) had been suffering defeats in the early stages of the war with BoB, which was a fact that some commentators had put down to them needing time to adjust from being an industrial alliance to a fearsome fighting force. If the biggest alliance in EVE could not yet defeat BoB, then who could?

Like a man chopping onions whilst staring goggle-eyed at a country full of polygamists, I cried extensively over this state of affairs.

I munched on some chocolate munchkins and I smilingly recalled a time far back into the pages of history, where in a past life I had jumped to the defence of humanity, and had solved a similar dilemma, far off in the western spiral arm of a little known galaxy:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

I immediately grabbed a pair of clippers and I cut some very sharp and piercing spikes into my toenails, in case I would ever find myself trapped in Robert's dungeons, and in need of a sharp object to sneakily pick the lock on my cell.

I enquired further about the war:

I had previously discovered that SirMolle was an anagram of "I SELL MOR", which had led me to suspect that the leader of BoB was a closet industrialist, and it would appear that Blacklight's shocking new revelation that BoB do indeed engage in industrial activities heavily supported my conclusion...

I started to relax just a tad, and I opened one of my few remaining pampering kits that ASCN had given me on my first visit to the love shack.

After then applying a strawberry leg-waxing strip to my right thigh, and sipping on an instant Moccacino with aniseed bursts, I decided to ask these people if their reputation of being crazed and deranged killers was in any way reflective of the truth:

It had been a very interesting meeting, and although I felt sad for the carebears who ultimately would find themselves brutally extinguished under the iron boots of the ever-encroaching BoB war machine, I had to admire their total honesty in publically stating their goals, and their utter determination in following through with them.

As I fired up the engines in my shuttle and left the system, I stubbed my toe on the metallic base of my control panel, and due to my designer toe-nail spikes piercing it, I ended up electrocuting myself...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 090 - Delving Into Robert

2006-11-25T18:25:00.000Z

Delving Into Robert

I sat back for a while on the upper deck of the Dark & Light outpost, the twinkling stars forever ejecting their enticing shards of rippling hypnotic light through the luminiferous ether in the distance.

Thoughts of sweet sentimentality and warmth gently drifted in and out of my consciousness, and I took a long moment to acknowledge all the pilots who had helped and assisted me in my flight of a lifetime through the incredible starlanes of EVE.

I sipped on a cool drink of Quafe with a dash of lime, and entered into a conversation with a pilot called "Nemon v3", who explained to me that he was the leader of the Dark & Light alliance (and also that English is not his first language).

Like a footballer with concussion, Nemon then decided to use a very bizarre analogy to explain why it is always a good thing to have goals to work towards...

I asked him how his station was faring, being wedged in between ASCN and BoB. He explained to me that their situation was actually strategically sound, due to the fact that ASCN are unable to directly jump capital ships from the "Paragon Soul" region to the "Period Basis" region.

I had enjoyed my time with D&L and the British Space Corps, and had found those whom I had met to be a great bunch of people. I finally left their space feeling very glad to have met them.

A few days later, I headed northwards in my journey towards the ancient and mystical territory of the Band Of Brothers.

During my time in EVE, no single alliance had been mentioned to me with such perpetual fear and terror than BoB. Every single pilot who had ever told me about them had done so whilst shaking even more than the Shaking Sheikh drinking milkshake at a "Shake-Yer-Booty" contest at the Shakespeare theatre on the banks of Shake Lake...

As my little shuttle sped faster and faster towards my date with Robert, I wondered how the most feared alliance in the game would react to me turning up unannounced at the walls of their gleaming citadel.

Finally, I terrifyingly arrived at the holy BoB HQ:

For some inexplicable reason my ship started violently shivering and shaking, out of a tremendous n00by fear of imminent death. The phenomenon suddenly spread from the ship to my fingers, and without thinking I frantically grabbed a blackboard in order to steady them.

This was a screeching big mistake...

I quickly logged out of the game, and didn't have the courage to come back until several days later, when my heart rate had returned to a more acceptable 90 beats per minute.

Upon logging back in, I suddenly found myself staring directly into the eyes of one of the very leaders of the Band Of Brothers. I was speaking with no other than one of the high controllers of Robert himself...

I decided to begin our conversation by shamelessly flattering him:

The leaders of ASCN (CYVOK) and of BoB (SirMolle) both now owned a Titan, and a considerable amount of fuss had been made in the EVE community over why BoB seemed more willing to deploy theirs in battle. ASCN had been more reluctant, due to the fact that the Titan is apparently bugged in some horrific manner.

I spent some considerable time talking with Blacklight, whom I was starting to like a lot. I asked him if he could teach me the history of his alliance:

BoB's situation was similar to many of the other alliances whom I had met in my travels. Even though EVE is only 3.5 years old, corps and alliances tend to have very short shelf-lives, and many alliances' histories are inextricably intertwined as a result.

I enquired as to why BoB had become so successful:

A few minutes later, I directly asked them the ultimate question...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 089 - Opposing Forces (Part 3)

2006-11-22T14:32:00.000Z

Opposing Forces (Part 3)

A little while later, I entered into a sparkling conversation with a Dark & Light pilot named "Temper", with whom I eagerly discussed the thrilling BoB vs ASCN war in more detail than the invisible paintings of a molecular nanoartist:

Like a man lifting his duvet and finding a glowing golden question mark etched into his bed-sheets, I wondered if I had discovered a puzzling clue to the underlying fabric of events in this universe...

I had always enjoyed a good conspiracy theory, and as I sat there on my grassy knoll, forcefully giving myself a freemasonic handshake, I wondered if any more secrets of the universe would stylishly reveal themselves to me in an unadulterated blaze of cheese.

Temper also found himself being dragged into the conspiracy:

Perhaps all of this division and war throughout EVE was a clever illusion, designed to hoodwink the masses into complicit acceptance of the overfiends who ruled them by stealth, slowly sucking their individuality from their consciousness, and advancing their nefarious plans for eternal world domination with each and every ominous passing second....

I then made an earth-shattering discovery:

I had discovered what no other EVE pilot had ever realised, and what the loyal members of the alliance "orchestra of siblings" would never ever know:

Their leader spends his evenings refining lumps of scordite...

Not entirely dissimilarly to a woman grappling with a roast potato fresh out of the oven, I decided that this information was just far too hot to handle, and I quite sensibly decided to bury the truth in true conspiratorial fashion: by openly hiding it in full public view...

The conversation stayed with the "overlords" topic, but moved from the south to the north, when I was surprisingly asked if I still hated the low-budget comedy veteran Emilio Estevez:

Perhaps after I had explored BoB space, I would stylishly return to Venal for a trip down memory lane. I recorded a note in my journal to remind myself of my intent to nostalgically revisit Emilio's northern empire.

A little while later, another member of ASCN entered the system and struck up a controversial conversation with me regarding a topic that is dear to the heart of every young adventurer:

N00b ships

I felt like I was standing at the dawning of a new era, for I had unveiled the holy secret of the shining Ibis, for all and sundry to gloriously purvey with astonished eyes, and a warming heart.

Never again would a n00bescent player need to spend so many torturously agonising hours mining veldspar in Jita, when the inclusion of one simple mining drone in their Ibis would multiply their income to previously unsurpassed levels of decadent wealth.

I hoped that n00bkind would be enriched by my discovery.

I was so excited by this revelation that I found myself uncontrollably playing with my left nipple. I am pleased to report that I rapidly stopped myself before anyone in Local noticed my perverse activity...

I quickly covered up my shameful self-stimulation, and entered into a conversation with another D&L pilot, who had once been the subject of a classic song by Eric Clapton:

In fact, the opening verse of this timeless ditty really struck a chord with me, and promptly sent me into a melodic and sentimental analysis of my adventure:

# What'll you do when you get lonely,
And nobody's waiting by your side?
You've been running and hiding much too long,
You know it's just your foolish pride. #

At that moment I felt like the Littlest Hobo, and I wondered if one day I would ever settle down at a place that I could call my home...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 088 - Opposing Forces (Part 2)

2006-11-19T04:53:00.000Z

Opposing Forces (Part 2)

After docking at the Dark & Light station in E2-RDQ, I asked the residents about the structure of their alliance. The outpost itself is owned by D&L, who are friends with the "British Space Corps", who in turn have docking rights there and help to protect D&L from any rampant attackers.

Being on the edge of BoB space, this outpost is stylishly wedged in the middle of the ASCN vs BoB war, and as a result it is often subject to unexpectedly violent activity, and shamelessly exciting fights.

I was informed that, as part of the war, ASCN were actively attacking Dark & Light, and considered them to be their enemies, due to their allegiance and friendship with the Steven Speilberg mini-series The Band Of Brothers.

Like a man rearranging the letters N E E S S, I eventually made sense of it all, and was then delighted to take part in a conversation with D&L and a member of ASCN called "Psycho Lordling", who was in the process of stalking the locals as part of a vicious one-man war campaign...

We discussed the D&L outpost and the ongoing conflict in the area:

It was curious that the most effective political model in EVE was dictatorship. I wondered why this universe had evolved in such a way, and what had caused such a ruthless Status Quo to exist amongst the residents of this enchanting but bitter world.

Perhaps it is because the EVE environment is very young, and is therefore still developing and finding its feet. I found the whole subject utterly fascinating.

In a surprising, and entirely unexpected twist, the conversation then shockingly turned to the subject of BoB bondage...

I had heard mention from many quarters that all of the alliances living around BoB space were considered to be "BoB Slaves". Although I admittedly found this highly amusing, I also thought it was probably a little on the derogatory side, and I therefore wanted to make a concerted effort to discover the truth of the matter.

Like a pig celebrating its birthday, the subject became somewhat muddied, when I learned that the alliances who live around BoB space do indeed pay them a tithe to live there. However, it was further explained to me that such arrangements exist in many places in the EVE universe.

I wondered if the subject of slavery (which I'm sure my friends in CVA will be delighted to hear about...) had inspired the residents to attempt to exploit me, because no more than a few minutes later, I ruthlessly found myself sitting in an asteroid belt in an Ibis, mercilessly being forced to collect loot from the cans of one of the locals:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

After dutifully completing my duty, and being awarded a "bronze tag" as payment for my wanton work, I then learned something more incredible than a discredited credit controller with serious street-cred, who had been given extensive credit for incredulously crediting himself with the incredible title of "Creddy-Weddy The Sacred."

Edster had been singlehandedly responsible for starting a war. I was totally astonished by this amazing revelation, and was almost inspired to go and start some wrecking carnage of my own.

I had previously learned that in addition to ASCN's Titan, BoB now also owned one, and had already testosterone-pumpingly deployed it in the heat of battle in an attack on an outpost that I am extremely fond of:

The love shack in AZN-D2

I wondered just how long this BoB vs ASCN war would go on for, and if there was any way that a man in a shuttle could stylishly intervene to bring fluffy peace and puppy-dog happiness to the region.

It was then that for no reason whatsoever, I amazingly failed to think of a dramatic cliffhanger...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 087 - Video Interlude

2006-11-16T16:02:00.000Z

Veni Video Vici

Instead of writing the next part of my adventure, I decided to postpone it until tomorrow, in order to do something entirely different...

I hereby present my first ever EVE video:

DOWNLOAD MOVIE

The file is a nicely compact 5.5MB in size, and is in .SWF format. If you need to download the current version of Adobe Flash Player, you can do so for free at their official site here:

DOWNLOAD FLASH

The video is a little something to play whenever you need a boost. :)

I hope you enjoy it.

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 086 - Opposing Forces (Part 1)

2006-11-13T19:08:00.000Z

Opposing Forces (Part 1)

Some time later, I was contacted by a brave n00b who went by the name of Yancy Grieves. He had only been playing for a day or two but had heard of my adventures through space, and wanted to ask me for some advice regarding the scarier parts of the map:

In the end we decided it would be best for him to visit ISS first, and I was pleased to later hear that he had successfully completed his journey, and had not been horrifically murdered by merciless attackers.

Last night, after logging back in at the Mercenary Coalition, I started to think about where my fantastical journey would take me next. A large chunk of the map was still Terra Incognita to me, and there were many alliances whom I had not yet had the pleasure of either meeting or being violently extinguished by...

I eventually decided that since the MC were very close to "Band Of Brothers" space, the time had finally arrived for me to enter their vast citadel, and to seek the holy knowledge and wisdom of their infamous and feared organisation.

I informed some of the noble mercenaries of my plan:

I wondered what would lie in store for me at their hands, but part of me felt very reassured by the fact that throughout my life people had always told me that I was related to BOB, usually at the moment of successfully achieving something, or explaining its simplicity.

"Bob's your uncle" - they had said...

Safe with the new knowledge that the band of brothers were my uncle, I was curious to locate the promiscuous aunt who had been responsible for the creation of my disjointed family.

I then learned something truly shocking:

Well now I was absolutely terrified of the idea of building my own outpost! However, I did not know anything about the history of this event, so I decided that it would be best to find out what had actually caused it before making a viciously derogatory judgement on the matter...

I finally set off into the darkness of the space before me, and I observed the dots represeting BoB citadels glimmering on my map. I selected one of them, and began my journey towards the gates to their mighty fortress.

A few jumps later, I encountered a pilot from the "British Space Corps", who went by the name of "Snow Blizzard", and who struck up a friendly conversation with me.

Snow had invited me to visit his home, which was at an outpost that had been constructed by an alliance called "Dark and Light". I had never met D&L before, and knew nothing about them, so I decided to go and visit them as part of my imminent exploration of BoB space.

I received a very interesting welcome...

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

I wondered if I had been wickedly lured here under false pretences, so that the ravenous cads of the BSC could force me to watch digitally remastered Monty Python DVDs whilst the minions of Dark and Light kept pointing torches at my face and intermittently switching them on and off...

What kind of cruel and macabre torture was in store for me in this system at the back end of nowhere, where plagued cries of despair echoed throughout the halls of eternity, resonating in the afflicted memories of the sorrowful victims of these murderers.

Surprisingly, no torture was in store for me and nobody wanted to murder me. Snow Blizzard had been good to his word, and the Dark & Light alliance had made me blue, given me docking and clone rights, and had welcomed me into their home.

What a pleasant surprise!

After deciding to stay for a day or two, to learn about the history of the area, little did I know that I was imminently set to discover something truly astonishing...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 085 - Station Master (Part 3)

2006-11-11T13:25:00.000Z

Station Master (Part 3)

I logged in the next morning, and was contacted again by Siigari Katawa, who had previously attempted to sell me a Damage Control II unit for 350 million isk.

Siigari explained that although 350m had turned out to be overpriced, the item had been selling for similar prices recently. I later checked on escrow, and saw that there were now 5 DCII units for sale at 220 mil each.

In light of the fact that prices have recently been fluctuating quickly on many items, I concluded that Siigari had not attempted to deceive me, and I simply put the matter down to her not having researched it sufficiently before contacting me. I therefore considered the matter closed.

A few minutes later, I observed my fearless mercenary friends boasting about their recent contracts:

I was extremely excited about being present at the construction of their new station, and part of me started to daydream that it was them who were present at the construction of my station..

On this basis, I decided that it was necessary to go and inspect my staff at the gatecamp, to ensure they were doing the job properly.

After arriving, and giving a stiff military salute to indicate my partial approval of the rank and file, I was once more subject to disturbing romantic advances at the hands of PMolkenthin:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

I must say it was extremely forward of him to make such intimate gestures towards his leader, and I wondered if such outrageous activities should continue to be tolerated in my organisation. Maybe it would set a bad example for the other troops...

Members of the alliance FIX then arrived, to assist in the gatecamp, and I decided that I would take a chance and leave them all to manage things by themselves. After all, if you want your staff to improve themselves, it is necessary to give them a little bit of responsibility.

For the next hour or so, the fearless miners moved large quantities of construction components and minerals to the now 23-billion isk "egg", which was anchored at a planet.

This was all very interesting, but ultimately there was one single crucially important thing that was critical to the entire construction project, and naturally I was the only one competent enough to bear the burden of escorting this extremely valuable component to the egg:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

Having nobly and valiantly completed my duty, and having lovingly sacrificed one and a half minutes of my time for the greater good, I decided that I would leave the trivial remainder of the project in the hands of my rabble of subordinates.

We completed the filling of the egg a mere 20 minutes before downtime and I then cunningly and eagerly waited right next to it, so that I could log in and immediately claim the crown of "first to dock" once downtime had ended.

My plan was successful, and after having been the first ever pilot to dock at the station (although being the owner of all this space anyway, it was surely my right!), I then undocked and grabbed a comparison picture:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

I sat back and sipped some Bollinger in my new station, whilst pondering over the amazing sequence of events that had brought me here.

Shortly thereafter, my rampant basking in my own success was ruthlessly interrupted by one of the lower ranks of soldiers from FIX:

As soon as I noticed that the man who adored me had said "our station", reality kicked back in, and my delusion ended quicker than a film that had never been made.

The event had been an amazing experience, and I felt truly honoured that I had been invited to take part in the fun and excitement.

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 084 - Station Master (Part 2)

2006-11-09T05:33:00.000Z

Station Master (Part 2)

I headed further into Stain, and eventually entered a deserted system that contained a station with a wonderful medical bay. I quickly moved my clone there, and headed onwards into the night.

Looking out of the little window in my shuttle, I watched in awe as the reflective particles of solar wind ripped across the space before me, twisting and twirling in a grand and mysterious symphony of delight.

The vastness of space still amazed me.

As I flew ever-deeper into the Stain region, heading westward towards my important appointment at the Mercenary Coalition, I was contacted by Seleene, whom I informed of my closely-avoided death at the hands of the evil podder from the "Silver Star Federation":

There was an intriguing allure to the idea of hiring vicious mercenaries to destroy those who had previously harmed me, and I wondered if the slight desire for retribution that I was feeling was a natural characteristic, or if my experiences in 0.0 had changed me into a harder man.

I was surprised to then learn that Mercenaries could be hired for as little as 1 billion per week for smaller operations, which meant that hiring groups such as the MC could certainly be a possibility in my future:

I flew on, further and further into Stain, my thoughts turning to what exactly I was in this world. I had been to so many different places, and met such a large number of people now, that I was beginning to question who I really was, and what my role should be in this strange and fantastical land of opportunity.

What makes me who I am?

As I flew through the final systems to the Mercenary Coalition, I began to conclude that despite the occasional desire for revenge upon those who had attacked me, by my very nature I felt like I was a carebear.

Despite my attempts to be neutral, there was something inherent inside of me that had caused me to reject the idea of violence, and to side with those who renounced it.

Perhaps this was why I had stayed in my shuttles for so long, and had not wanted to become a "normal" player. Maybe this was also the reason that I liked the MC. In a world filled with violence and despair, at least they were loyal to their clients, even if their jobs often involved violently destroying others who had done them no harm. My label of "noble scum" seemed very appropriate.

On the other hand, perhaps I had undergone a fundamental misunderstanding of the nature of combat in EVE. What had particularly convinced me that I was missing something was the fact that when I had seen alliances fighting each other, the parties involved always seemed to enjoy it and were mostly very polite to each other.

I liked this kind of fighting immensely.

I wondered if the fact that I had not fought meant that I was missing a part of the EVE experience. I was undecided about it, because in thinking this I was measuring myself by "conventional" benchmarks.

After all, my adventure had been something spectacularly different to how most players exist in EVE, and in a way I very much liked the fact that I had approached things in such a novel and unique way. Perhaps the truth of the matter was that I was terrified of the prospect of forming an alliance, and of developing a project to create and defend a n00b outpost.

I was afraid of failure.

After safely arriving at the MC headquarters, and unexpectedly being on the receiving end of flattering romantic advances by one of the meaty mercenaries...

...I quickly grabbed a three-hour sleep (in my own bed), and awoke at 8am to take my place at the construction of their amazing new outpost. Maybe in helping to create it, I would in some small part gain a tiny glimpse into the future, and could imagine what it would feel like to build my own home.

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 083 - Station Master (Part 1)

2006-11-06T21:21:00.000Z

Station Master (Part 1)

The next time I logged in, I was still in my safespot at SMASH Alliance. I then lovingly podded myself in a truly stylish fashion and spawned back at FDZ4-A, where I purchased another shuttle.

Several days earlier, I had received a covert invitation from Seleene (head of the Mercenary Coalition) to be the guest of honour at a very secret and exclusive event. I was extremely excited by this, because it would enable me to watch something more extraordinary than a man who had no fingers attempting to forcefully give himself a manicure:

I had been invited to help construct a brand new MC outpost

I hurriedly used my jump clone in Ushra Khan space, and then plotted a 60-jump course to my destination: an event that I was even more excited about than the capital ships parade I had been given at ASCN.

I suddenly received a mystery evemail from an apologetic shuttle vendor:

I had always suspected that these merciless 0.0 traders had been ripping off poor young adventurers, and now I had cast-iron proof of their extortionate transportational treachery.

How dare they!

I began my flight from Unity Station towards Stain, with the intention of then using my instas for the rest of my journey to the edge of MC space.

However, several jumps later, I entered a system where there appeared to be a large number of terrifyingly ravenous pilots, whom upon having their bios inspected by me, started giving off ominously silent signals of hostility.

I had run straight into the ebil and dastardly minions of a group that were more hated and despised by carebears than a genuinely nice man with a normal-sounding name like Arthur McFredric, who hated crime and had misguidedly changed his name to "Hate Crime", only to find that the meaning was completely lost on everyone he met.

I quickly turned around and jumped back into the previous system, where by an astonishing co-incidence, I met a pilot called Arthur McFredric who also happened to hate crime...

Arthur was a member of CVA, who despite ruthlessly and menacingly keeping slaves to do their every bidding, were friendly to me and had been kind and helpful to me in the past.

Arthur then provided a solution to my problem:

After we had ganged and he had ejected the instas in our safespot, I returned to the system next door and quickly used them to fly through the next few jumps towards my final destination.

Luckily there had not been warp bubbles on any of the gates.

I finally reached a system in Stain that contained an NPC station with a medical bay. I got as close as 7km from it, when two emotionally deficient military rejects who went by the names of "Qrusher" and "Horza", decided to attempt to horrifically kill me:

Clearly these brain-dead morose nose-picking dumb-witted bullies, who sit at home at the weekends playing with themselves in front of the classic film The Sound Of Music, and who are ardent collectors of a 52-part weekly publication entitled "The Smells of Britney Spears", have nothing better to do than to incompetently train their pathetically mismatched artillery at hapless young adventurers.

As I bravely flew away to somewhere random, I laughed raucously at the fact that not a single one of their wimpish shots had so much as grazed me.

My n00bish shuttles had been shot at so much during my adventure, that I was beginning to seriously wonder if I should just dispense with them altogether and use an entirely different method of flight instead:

With 35 jumps to go, and still not having moved my clone from Unity, I began to doubt if I would ever make it in time for my guest appearance at the Mining Coalition...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 082 - Smash And Crash

2006-11-04T18:52:00.000Z

Smash And Crash

Being in FDZ4-A once more brought a ton of memories flooding back to me. This was the very first station I had ever visited, right at the beginning of my n00bish adventure into the dark wilderness.

Feeling in a reflective and sentimental mood, I decided to contact the woman with whom I once had a provocative and enticing entanglement:

Luckily, a quick search on the internet revealed that my shocking words are now considered to be positive terms amongst ladies who like ladies, and I was relieved that I had not violently offended any women who like like...

Missy appeared not to be annoyed that I had had an affair behind her back, which had caused her to have an affair behind my back, which had resulted in a scandalous and painful relationship breakup.

A little while later, I received a huge blast from the past, when I noticed that a bible bashing minion of the Arrow Project was docked with me:

I had not suffered any of their rampant brainwashing attempts for a long time, and what with there being a distinct lack of psychologists in 0.0, I was concerned that if they managed to get to me, there would be no way to save myself.

I was absolutely terrified that at the hands of these Arrow Project zealots, I could traumatisingly find myself being cornered in a cul-de-sac dead-end system, with the only way out being viciously guarded by the following four people:

Luckily, I was quickly able to put these horrific thoughts out of my mind, when I was abruptly distracted by a buzzing stinger of a pilot who went by the name of Wasp O'Ryan.

Wasp was a member of "Smash Alliance", whom I knew absolutely nothing about. He kindly took the time to explain who they were, and I was able to locate their home systems on my digital cartography mechanism:

Holy Station Stealing, Batman!

Well, being presented with this horrific news, I had no choice but to immediately storm down there to confront them. After all, I was considering the idea of building my own station, and news such as this indicated just how easily they can be lost to murderous attackers of doom, hell-bent on destroying your work...

I eventually arrived at their menacing citadel, and upon quickly making a brave and heroic safespot in a random place in their sickening stolen station system, I was greeted with a ridiculously sarcastic attempt to flush me out and murder me in the usual brutal fashion:

I decided to hold my nerve and to valiantly remain in my hole, out of an act of abject defiance. By this point I was feeling distinctly hunted, and could smell their minions prowling around, eagerly waiting to smash and crash my little shuttle into oblivion.

I resolved that I had no choice but to start talking rapidly, since the fear of my imminent death was now reaching fever pitch. I quickly engaged them in a pointless conversation about their deadly foes, only to find that I had surprisingly accidentally begun an exciting philosophical discussion about the nature of time-travel:

Now whenever someone raises the time travel issue, there is always a smart-alec who decides to ask the age-old question about what happens if you go back in time and kill your father....

Perhaps, despite the extensive smashing, these people just might not be so bad after all. I had enjoyed the temporal mechanics conversation but I couldn't help thinking that their station-stealing past was more worrying than being told you are currently in first place in a "lack-of-worrying contest" to win a trillion isk, but that things could worryingly change at any moment...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 081 - Damage Dealing

2006-11-02T20:22:00.000Z

Damage Dealing

The deal of a lifetime did not originate from the illustrious Alyx, but from an entirely different source instead.

Some time after having left the ghetto, I began my journey to the North-East of the map, and I abruptly received an evemail from a pilot called Siigari Kitawa, who invited me to make an offer on an exotic item called a "Damage Control II".

Naturally, having no need for such an item, I replied to the evemail indicating my distinct lack of interest. A few minutes later, a chat request box ruthlessly appeared on my screen, and after accepting, I was plunged into a conversation with the vendor of this item, who violently attempted to sell it to me:

Well, I was ecstatic to hear that I was being offered this joyous opportunity purely to bring delight to my adventure, and my natural impulse was therefore to immediately transfer all my worldly possessions and all my money in exchange for this wondrous piece of equipment...

However, I was unaware of the value of the glorious item, so I thought it would be best to declare this fact in advance, and to attempt to establish its true value, before throwing all my money at the seller in a fit of wanton shopaholic spending:

What a bargain of unsurpassed magnitude this must be!

Well at this point, I was ready to strip off the very clothing on my back, and to throw it at Siigari in a frenzy, to ensure I could purchase this masterpiece of manufacturing. Imagine the incredulous levels of damage I would hereafter be able to control, if I just spent 350,000,000 ISK on this great product.

I was salivating uncontrollably...

What a feeling it was, when some time later, after having decided to make my own enquiries into whether I should purchase this item or not, I discovered that there was already one of the great damage controllers up for sale on ESCROW...

...for 120 million isk less than the price I had been offered!

Well, I was absoulutely furious and enraged in an unrestricted manner at this revelation of financial skullduggery. The natural instinct, when being presented with this situation would be to quickly purchase the 230 million isk item in a frenzy, which is exactly why I did not...

What interested me about this whole affair was that the seller on escrow had placed the item up for one day only, and went by the name of "Shigawahhhhh", which sounded suspiciously like a contracted version of "Siigari Kitawa".

I therefore began to wonder if this was an intricate and elaborate ploy, cunningly designed to dupe me into purchasing the 230 million isk item, after being led to the impression that I had spotted a bargain due to the initial price being 350 million...

Suffice to say, I decided not to take up this particular offer.

Several jumps later, and after blindly flying through the 0.0 exit point from north-eastern empire, to luckily discover that there was no gatecamp there, I headed out into the dark expanse once more, in search of thrilling fun and adventure.

Just four jumps from the station FDZ4-A, I was overjoyed to be bitterly attacked by a Pure Alliance pilot called Lorn Yeager, who was positioned near the gate, and who tore my poor defenseless shuttle apart, and left me dangling in my poor defenseless pod..

However, having been brutally murdered many times previously, I decided to talk to my assailant, rather than insulting him, and I asked him if he would like to escort me to the station...

Surprisingly, he said yes:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

Four jumps later, we arrived at FDZ4-A and Lorn helped me to safely dock, whereupon we had a conversation about his thrilling life in EVE:

A short while afterwards, something astonishing was set to happen...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 080 - Ghetto Bandits

2006-10-30T22:11:00.000Z

Ghetto Bandits

I left my friend Drakmor to wing it with the other elements of Sylph, and I returned to Unity Station to ponder over the latest developments in my ever-evolving random quest to cluelessly explore the universe.

Like a multi-tasking psychologist, I found myself in two minds about whether to proceed with the whole alliance-building idea, and like a man placing one Kilogram on one side of a pair of scales, and 1000 grams on the other, I concluded that the benefits and disadvantages of the idea seemed to weigh equally against each other.

I eventually had a good sleep at Unity, and awoke the next morning feeling fresher than a mythical water-creature from the bubbling soap lagoons of the planet Lenor.

I resolved to make my final decision on the matter after I had attended an upcoming event in the next week that, like an artist moving his chair slightly to the left, may just help me to get a clearer view and a better perspective on things.

Some time later, and for no apparent reason, I was for the third time in my adventure forcefully thrust into a drinking establishment that was frequented by a boisterously active man who regularly and robustly batted for the other side.

Due to being firmly distracted by this meat-market manhandler who would not be out of place starring in a cheek-clenchingly camp lead role in "Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert", it took me a moment to notice the cunning and inadvertant double-entendre:

Astronomy: Astro Nommy

So there I found myself, perilously close to the meaty chafing leather chaps of a man who, not entirely unlike an equestrian spy, frequently enjoyed sliding into the other team's camp and asking for a brisk leg-up. In fact, I was once again in the presence of this burly gentleman who regularly snoozed after his alarm went off, and often found himself late for work, thus leaving him feeling a little behind...

Apparently, to celebrate the first birthday of the MGRL, BB and his troupe of frock fanciers had launched a colour co-ordinated siege upon a station in the North-West of the map, and had been homophobically defeated by an expressionist alliance who went by the name of "YouWhat".

It must also be added that not entirely dissimilarly to what a large number of olympic gymnasts have received medals for, and to what Backdoor Bandit himself does on most Saturday nights, YouWhat were currently holding a ring:

Unfortunately, it would seem that BB was now destined to forever find himself coming out, only to be spread apart by the potent tip of a rising deadly warhead. I wondered if he had considered asking an energetic and brightly-dressed MGRL colleague to come down there and solve the problem by covering his flank and taking him up the backside of the station, whilst the enemy were distracted by the appearance of his excited member.

Some time later, and after having said goodbye to my uphill-gardener friend, I decided that I would save my trip to the black hole until a later date, and would explore the North-East area of the map instead.

I then passed through low-sec empire and met a savoury woman who forcefully informed me that she wanted me:

It had been some time since I had split up with Missy and Frivolous, and I began to wonder if now was a good moment to join another lonely pod for some hot late-night action in the shimmering starlanes of EVE.

Alyx and I sat together on the graffiti-covered walls outside the community centre in the violent mindflood and nerve-sticks filled ghetto where she lived, and we listened to the depressing sounds of the controversial rapper "50-isk" booming from a stolen stereo system in one of the asteroid belts.

It was then that I was shockingly offered the deal of a lifetime...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 079 - Building A Future

2006-10-27T19:11:00.000+01:00

Building A Future

I arrived at the same Sylph Alliance system I had previously visited (and had viciously referred to as living on the streets) and was greeted by the pilots Drakmor and Monma.

Monma had been absolutely outraged that I had suggested that charity workers had been distributing soup amongst the pilots who lived in the low-budget accomodation in their hostel, and I quickly had to think of a way of making amends for my prior derogatory onslaught upon these fine pilots.

I eventually concluded that avoidance would be the best policy, as any attempt to talk up the benefits of living in a POS compared to a station would simply be an attempt to dress mutton as lamb...

However, I then learned that Sylph consists of several hundred pilots, and has sovereignty over 10 systems in 0.0, with a large network of POS throughout their claimed area. Contrary to my prior jokes about them, they represent a formidable and well-organised force, and are an alliance that I can indeed learn much from.

I asked how to go about building my first POS:

I figured that it would be inevitable that malevolent forces of doom would attack my alliance at some point and we would reluctantly have to defend ourselves, so why not gain some experience of defensive combat in a system that badly needed cleaning up?

Drakmor then explained to me that like the fries in a cheap fast-food chain, there are three different types of POS, the king-size costing a mere 500 million isk. I was overjoyed to hear this, because despite this sum being a veritable fortune to the average n00b, it was a very small amount of money indeed in comparison to the 30 billion+ needed to build an outpost.

I then learned a chilling fact:

Apparently, in order to maintain this fabulous structure, it would be necessary to either mine ice (in order to extract the minerals from it) or to purchase the minerals regularly on the market. Like a new-born puppy dog, a POS requires regular fuelling and extensive loving care and attention from its owners.

I wondered just how many people would be needed to maintain it:

It would appear that this project was not actually as difficult as it first seemed, and I was extremely encouraged and heartened by this fantastic news. Out of unbridled excitement at this development, I quickly googled Sylph to find out who they really were, and was shocked to discover that they are Australian manufacturers of dancing pixie outfits...

Drakmor then invited me into their POS to inspect their fairy structures:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

I learned that a POS consists of several items, the main structure being the "control tower". Moon mining equipment can also be installed, along with storage areas, refining complexes and laboratories.

In fact, it is possible to do almost everything that can be done at an outpost, with the exception of moving your medical clone there, and of "docking". However, if you are behind the shield then nobody can fire at you, which is effectively the same as being docked.

Having now learned some more about it, my opinion that this was a lower-class lifestyle embraced by penniless street-urchins rapidly changed, and like a man being told to be creative whilst sitting on a furnace, I quickly warmed to the idea...

All of a sudden, I saw the strange UFO lights again, that had scared the title of a James Bond film out of me in the Fountain region. Just as I was beginning to wonder if I was going completely insane, Drakmor also shockingly announced that he could see them too:

A terrifying sensation of fear began to twist through my nerves...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 078- False Gods

2006-10-25T22:24:00.000+01:00

False Gods

I arrived at the holy citadel "Inflatable House" and was eagerly looking forward to learning the secrets of the Amarr, out of a desperate hope to discover a route into Jove space, so that I could seek the counsel of the Gods regarding my dream of building a n00b outpost.

I was informed that the religious elders of the Amarr are called "The Theology Council". The head of this organisation goes by the name of Mervan Moritok, and can be found in the low-security empire system "Avair".

After excitedly consulting my map, I discovered that all the routes to this system contained an area of 0.5 security or higher, meaning that to go there I would have to break the primary rule of my adventure.

Yet again, more obstacles were being thrown in my path by the powers that be, and I was becoming distinctly weary that I would ever be able to gaze upon the arcane faces of the immortals.

I then met a pilot called Jaydom, who taught me the history of CVA:

Additionally:

CVA hate Ushra Khan and absolutely love keeping slaves...

Ushra Khan hate CVA and absolutely detest keeping slaves...

Mindful of the fact that I had previously tried to act as an ambassador between I.A.C and Maelstrom, and had failed to heal the wounds between them, I decided that it would be best not to attempt to resolve the trouble and strife between CVA and Ushra Khan.

I frantically asked Jay if he could tell me anything at all that CVA knew about Jove, that might help me to get in touch with them.

Surprisingly, he informed me that Jove are not Gods:

It would appear that like a pole-vaulter who had just impaled himself, I had gotten hold of the wrong end of the stick..

I had been on a n00bish wild goose chase of epic proportions.

The very people whom I had thought were Gods, were nothing more than technologically advanced "normal people" who had retreated from society after a war with the Amarr.

To make absolutely sure that abandoning this pilgrimage was the right thing to do, I left CVA space and travelled down to Unity Station to visit my friends in Ushra Khan.

After talking with the locals, I learned that Ushra Khan, who were predominantly Minmatar, also did not believe that the Jovians were Gods. Now that this fact had been confirmed by the two opposing alliances, I was reluctantly forced to conclude that it must be true.

In fact, from Ushra Khan's point of view, religion did not even figure into the equation. There was only one thing that bound their alliance together:

Clearly, my search for the creators had been in vain, and I now knew that my destiny in building my n00b haven lay firmly in my own hands. Perhaps I had been scared and had been looking for a way to ease the path to glory, rather than focussing on doing the ground-work myself.

In order to realise my dream, I would first need to form an alliance, to recruit many valiant and noble pilots, and then to kick the project off by building and maintaining POS structures in low-sec empire, or in 0.0.

The mere thought of this made me shake even more than a Saudi Arabian man who had been diagnosed with an incurable muscle-spasm disease and had forevermore been known as the Shaking Sheikh...

A few minutes later, I was thankfully able to calm my nerves, when out of the blue, a representative of the Quafe company began to distribute free samples around the system:

After outrageously helping myself to 75 cans, I decided that it was time to learn how to go about building a POS. I knew that my friends in Sylph alliance lived in POSes just two jumps away, so I eagerly set a course there to seek their esteemed counsel on the matter.

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 077 - Ghost In The Machine (Part 3)

2006-10-24T18:02:00.000+01:00

Ghost In The Machine (Part 3)

After having been brutally podded back to the system where I had previously spammed an office in Northern Empire, I had spoken with a kind pilot who was fond of triangles, and who had opened a channel with the Viking Sanodi, to inform him that he had accidentally blocked me.

By now I was becoming increasingly paranoid that spanners were being thrown into the works by those enigmatic deities who ruled over the inhabitants of EVE from their celestial thrones of omnipotence, millions of light-years away, in the depths of the great expanse.

I finally regained communication with Sanodi:

I had realised that in dying via a brutal podding at the hands of this Viking, I had managed to eliminate one possibility amongst the myriad potential routes to Valhalla.

I now knew that a different approach entirely was required, and I began to wonder what else could be done to achieve this most impossible of lofty and noble goals.

Perhaps in attempting to find the Gods, it was necessary to think in terms of the factions and races within EVE itself. In some of the faiths of Earth, it is believed by their followers that man was made in the image of the creator(s) and I wondered if there existed pilots in EVE who held this same idea.

If such people existed, they would believe that they were in direct contact with their Gods. Being a Caldari, who are not a religious race, perhaps my heritage and history made me ignorant of this secret theology of those in the know.

In this game, the religious cognoscenti are the Amarr...

I excitedly opened my map and decided on a route to Inflatable House. I eventually opted to use my jump-clone in The Distillery in Interstellar Alcohol Conglomerate space, and I then plotted a thrilling journey through the ISS systems, to the maison that had more lift than Sir Isaac Newton's wife inhaling helium whilst wearing a wonderbra...

After greeting my friends at I.A.C and using shareholder funds to buy their entire supply of drugs...

...I resumed my journey and began to explore the map, to pass the time between jumps.

Not entirely unlike a man who was recovering from being hit by Thor's hammer, it always staggered me that there were so many systems to explore in this enchanting world of thunderous excitement.

Suddenly, I discovered the incredible:

The City of God was located in the system Shastal, in empire space, and despite the description claiming that this was a false God, I wondered if I should go there to discover the truth with my own eyes.

The soul of man has been described as the "Ghost In The Machine" and debate has raged amongst scientists for time immemorial as to whether such a thing exists.

If it was real, and if it was within me, then I would vow to try my hardest to let it guide me to my destiny, and if it did not exist then I would simply have the belief and courage in my own convictions, and would guide myself to the greatness that I believe could be achieved by all who were just willing to try.

As I pondered the philosophical implications that whatever I came to believe, it ultimately made no difference, so long as I tried my best to do well, I was suddenly confronted with 20 ice-hockey stick brandishing minions of Emilio Estevez, who tried to sell me an assortment of cut-price Young Guns DVDs.

I asked where Emilio was:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

Amazingly, this D2 minion had revealed the location of a secret Black Hole in low-sec empire space, and I vowed that after meeting with the Amarr, I would valiantly throw myself into it.

An hour later, I learned something truly shocking...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 076 - Ghost In The Machine (Part 2)

2006-10-23T12:30:00.000+01:00

Ghost In The Machine (Part 2)

I looked out of the reinforced windows of my pod, desperately trying to seek the entrance to Jove, and I wondered just how random my adventure had been so far.

I did not know if I was a believer in fate, but it seemed that events had conspired to bring me to the point where I was today. I now found myself to be a man in a shuttle who was considering forming an alliance, building an outpost, and meeting his makers...

Like a man trying out a badly created insta, perhaps I was getting a bit above my station...

Nonetheless, I took the obstacles that were being thrown in my path as signs that I was getting closer, and I announced my arrival at the system closest to Jove, with the customary word "Greetings":

The system JZV-F4 was controlled by a group called "Pure Alliance", which seemed very appropriate to me, because I suspected that only a pilot who is of pure heart, of sound mind, and who has a noble desire to help others, would be granted entrance to the domain of the Gods. I did not know if I was a worthy-enough pilot to fit such a description, so I quietly crossed my fingers behind my back and hoped.

Gavax then opened a private chat with me:

I had shockingly learned the reason why there was no door here. Far in the distant past of EVE, the mighty Jovians had destroyed all the routes to their domain, by obliterating all the jumpgates into the distant mists of history.

This meant that I was being asked nothing short of finding a path that cannot be found, walking a road that cannot be seen, climbing a ladder that was never placed, or reading a paragraph that had no ......

Some time later I logged back in, and like a man who had just purchased an XBOX, I consoled myself...

I left the dead-end system JZV-F4, and wandered into the surrounding systems, desperately seeking some kind of sign:

My demands were met with an ominous wall of silence and I began to wonder if I had wasted my time. Perhaps the Viking Gods of EVE did not want to be reached, and were sitting there in Valhalla, laughing at my feeble attempts to breach their mighty fortress.

Suddenly, a pilot entered Local and said this:

This was absolutely incredible. For the first time since I had started playing, I had met someone who was speaking Viking! Well, I was immediately spurred on by this incredible development, and I now knew that I must be very close to the holy citadel...

I decided that this must be a test of faith, so I invited the mystery Viking to join a gang with me, and pondered my next move. Eventually, we concluded that making a sacrifice could be the key, and I valiantly decided to offer the only worldly possession that I had with me:

I excitedly set the self-destruct on my shuttle, and all I needed to do now was to wait 120 seconds until I left my body and ascended to Valhalla. However, 45 seconds later, and for some inexplicable reason, there appeared to be a very strange equipment malfunction in my pod, and Sanodi was spookily unable to hear me:

Not only had he destroyed my shuttle before the self-destruct sequence was completed, but he had then also brutally podded me back to empire. For the next ten minutes or so he continued asking me if I was there, and I eventually got a random person in Local to open a channel with him to tell him to unblock me.

Yet again, it would appear that the higher powers were trying their damndest to dissuade me from reaching them. However, a series of shivers ran up and down my spine, as I realised that this fact in itself must be a sign of their very existence...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 075 - Ghost In The Machine (Part 1)

2006-10-20T22:18:00.000+01:00

Ghost In The Machine (Part 1)

A strange tingling sensation started running up and down my spine, and a weird and unsettling feeling of uneasiness overcame me. I should have felt happy that I was about to attempt the impossible, to reach up into the infinite expanse of the all, and to dare to stand upon the sands of time.

Perhaps in attempting to reach the unreachable I was about to commit an unknown blasphemy that was set to send immense repercussions and powerful shockwaves reverberating around the fragile EVE universe. I had the distinct feeling that a potent force was holding me back.

Something did not want me to make this journey.

Just as I was about to leave Fountain, some very scary events unfolded:

There was definitely something strange going on in this neighbourhood. The whole situation was something weird and it certainly didn't look good. I wondered who I could call to bust these ghosts.

"I ain't afraid of no ghost. I ain't afraid of no ghost." - I kept repeating to myself.

The Fountain region had experienced its very first haunting, and I sat there in my little shuttle, absolutely terrified of seeing more spooky things running through my head.

Like an invisible man sleeping in my bed, the meaning of these spine-chilling poltergeist activities was hard to grasp, and I was overcome with a ghoulish sense of ethereal otherworldliness.

Fortunately, a brave pilot offered to give me a hand:

After taking USA4 up on his offer, I had felt a great sense of release, and I was immediately overcome with the strong urge to smoke a cigarette. I suddenly felt extremely tired and decided to log out for the rest of the night...

The next day, after a restless night of terrifying dreams involving someone called Carol-Ann, I logged back in to find that I appeared to be at the court of King Arthur, in the middle of Camelot.

Merlin revealed a magical secret to me about office spamming:

It was becoming increasingly obvious to me that the Viking Gods of EVE either:

A) Did not want me to find them.

OR

B) Did want me to find them.

After considering this clever deduction for a lengthy period of time, I realised that I was no closer to the truth than before, so I decided that I would go ahead with the pilgrimage anyway, and would risk facing the wrath of the Nordic deities...

I plotted my course to the nearest system to Jove:

Rather than travelling 55 jumps, I was able to remotely move my medical clone to a place in northern low-sec empire, where I had previously spammed an office, and was pleased to see that my destination was now only a tantalising 12 jumps away, which was nothing for a hardy young adventurer such as myself.

For some reason, the 12 jumps seemed to take an eternity, and thoughts of divine grandeur began to creep into my mind. Could I really become the first to reach the domain of the Gods? What would I say if I finally got there? Would they help me to build a n00b station? Surely I was crazy to try this? Wasn't I just a deluded man in a shuttle?

I quickly began to doubt myself...

Eventually, the eternity ended, and with my pulse frantically racing, and the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end, I entered the mysterious system JZV-F4.

Incredibly, I now found myself standing on the doorstep of Jove space, and I just had to deal with one small detail before unlocking the door to the temple of wisdom that I so desperately sought:

There was no door...

The spooky events did not end there, for my arrival was set to trigger a shocking chain of events that would leave me reeling...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 074 - Core Philosophy

2006-10-19T22:22:00.000+01:00

Core Philosophy

The next time I logged back in, I found a collection of Xelas and Celestial people in Local, who were firmly discussing the issue of smacktalking, in a somewhat heated manner.

I got the distinct impression that I had just missed an explosive argument, and thought it best not to resurrect the hostilities between these two warring factions.

A short while later, Celestial politely requested a fight:

The fight turned out to be not yet forthcoming, so I went to the system next door, which I had been informed was where Celestial were basing themselves. This system was also an NPC area, and formed part of a complex of systems that was known locally as "The Core".

Upon entering the system, I noticed a large number of Celestial pilots, and I was able to spend some time talking with them, and learning their views on the area and its diverse residents.

It would appear that Celestial Apocalypse's sole purpose in EVE was to harass and harangue the Band Of Brothers, and to mercilessly destroy anyone who was friends with them. As such, it became apparent to me that their conflict was only with Xelas by association, and that the real conflict was Celestial vs BOB.

Shortly thereafter, this was confirmed:

I was heartened to hear that they liked neutrals, and also that they did not fire on them, but I suspected that their valiant altruism was driven by their desire to annoy BOB and their allies. I couldn't quite work out whether this was a good thing or a bad thing, so I decided to just sit back and watch...

I had now heard both sides accuse the other of running away and I wondered if I had inadvertantly started a trend in noble fleeing...

Perhaps I was set to traverse the universe, distributing "Yellow Pills" and offering franchise opportunities for "Caldari Fried Chicken" stores. Like a chef who was considering changing careers to become an athlete, I licked my fingers for a good while as I mused over the merits of running...

To pass the time until the imminent fight began, I started to browse the market, and was very surprised to see large buy and sell orders for slaves, just 3 jumps away.

The buy order was 5% higher than the sell order, meaning that there was an instant 13 million isk profit to be made in running slaves just three jumps. I wondered what my friends in Ushra Khan would think of this discovery.

Eventually, I followed Celestial through the jumpgate, back to the system I was in orignally, at the centre of "Core", and I abruptly found myself being used as bait to start the brutal fight!

Why did I always find myself wedged between two warring alliances, both of whom I usually liked?

As far as I knew, Xelas had set me blue and Celestial did not shoot neutrals, so in theory I should be safe sitting in the middle of this war in my shuttle, and enjoying a nice front seat view of the wanton destruction and forceful carnage that was about to ensue.

A few minutes later, my screen terrifyingly looked like this:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

I wondered if the Viking Gods of EVE had grabbed some holy felt-tip pens and some sacred crayons, and were scribbling on my screen, in an attempt to send me some kind of secret coded message that would reveal the location of the mystical entrance to Jove space.

The fight turned out to be more of a skirmish than a battle, and despite me being right in the thick of it, it did not become necessary for me to violently self destruct my shuttle on anyone.

I had now met all three factions who lived in Fountain, and I decided that it was time to begin my pilgrimage to the mythical land of Jove.

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 073 - Soulful Reflections

2006-10-18T10:57:00.000+01:00

Soulful Reflections

We fled to the gate like fleeing fleas, and as we were in warp I began to wonder why it was that a significant portion of my adventure often involved fleeing heroically.

Perhaps there was a subtle art in running away like there was no tomorrow. Maybe it was a fine and laudable activity that was secretly admired by many a carebear up and down the land. I had become an accomplished chicken, and was clucking proud of myself.

Luckily, Lil's insta from the safespot we were at had taken us directly to the gate, and I just had time to threateningly say "It was nice meeting you" before we jumped through, to find the path clear on the other side. Another death had been valiantly circumvented.

As we flew back through the systems of Fountain, our shuttles gleaming in the twilight of infinity, my thoughts lazily wandered to the monumental task ahead of me, in that holiest of arcane and untouchable areas:

Jove Space

I wondered how many thousands of adventurers throughout history had tried in vain to breach the gates to the ultimate paradise, to reach the shores of the land of milk and honey, and to stare into the all-seeing eyes of the Viking Gods of EVE.

An enigmatic feeling of suspense and wonder overcame me, and my attention was suddenly jolted back to the present as we passed a pilot called Elestine Wong, who opened a communications channel with me:

It would appear that the Horde were newcomers to this region, and had started building their caves relatively recently. I had now met two of the factions in the Fountain area, and just had the ominously-named Celestial Apocalypse left to meet, before I could begin my heavenly quest for an audience with the Gods, far on the other side of the universe.

We returned to the NPC station area and I noticed that I had received an evemail from the woman I once had a lustful affair with. She had outrageously desposited a mystery item in escrow for me, and I began to wonder if it was something naughty like chocolate underwear, or if it was something nice like chocolate underwear...

I began to speak some more with the Xelas pilots in INNO's FOUNTAIN INFO CHANNEL and to learn some more of the history of their alliance. Xelas had originally been based in Emilio land in the north, but had become embroiled in a large number of wars with various factions, and had eventually made the decision to leave.

The Band of Brothers had invited them to live in Fountain and they had taken them up on their offer. As such, I was informed that they were currently hostile to Emilio, and were actively lobbying the Hollywood Walk Of Fame to remove his star, which was controversially added last year.

They began to tell me some more of their thoughts on Celestial:

It would appear that there was more bad blood between these two groups than there is between a vampire and a zombie on their first date. It was a difficult situation for me to sink my teeth into and I was counting on not hitting a nerve with my piercing questioning.

0.0 was truly fascinating to me because it was an unrestricted social experiment, where there were no rules and no regulation, and people were free to act in any way they so chose. Perhaps it formed the ultimate test of the human will and character.

The rest of the day passed quickly, and I spent some considerable time reflecting on the vast variety of experiences I had been through so far. I was still enjoying this world immensely, but I could feel a burning desire escalating within me to push forward with my dream of achieving the incredible.

Perhaps after my imminent pilgrimage to Jove, I would dare to take the first concrete step towards my goal, and would spend one billion isk on creating an alliance...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 072 - The Horde

2006-10-16T07:19:00.000+01:00

The Horde

I sat in my pod in the Fountain region and joyously watched as morning viciously failed to arrive. Nonetheless, a certain sense of excitement was in the air; well it was until I realised there was no air either...

After slumping into a temporary state of depression at the cold starkness of space, I took a few hits from the Caldari Bong I had locked away in the secret compartment in my pod, and I proceeded to engage in a chilled-out conversation with a Xelas pilot called lilantris:

It would appear that the three main factions in Fountain were "Xelas", "Celestial Apocalypse" and "The Horde". Xelas and The Horde were friends, and they did not like Celestial Apocalypse, whom they considered to be evil pirates.

As I was pondering the wondrous significance of these political revelations, I was surreptitiously interrupted by one of the locals, who decided to inform me that like a man who had taken vegetable oil into the shower instead of shampoo, he was greased up and ready to slip and slide:

I quickly banished this disturbing revelation to the back of my mind, and was promptly invited to "INNO's FOUNTAIN INFO CHANNEL", which had been created by lilantris, as some kind of bizarre informational media outlet.

As the evening progressed, various local residents dropped in and out of the channel to have random conversations with me. I wondered if I should have taken the opportunity to start signing books and charging outrageously for photo opportunities.

Having now had the chance to speak with several different Xelas pilots, I was beginning to conclude that I liked them. To my limited knowledge thus far, they were nice people and I was looking forward to getting to better know them and the other factions in the area.

The conversation turned to my n00bosity, and its potential impact on the constructability of my noble n00b outpost:

Some seconds sooner, after staring at a stunning, suspenseful and sparkling shining show of a shimmering shooting star on the soft and silent serendipitously serene starfields surrounding my spaceship, I studiously struggled to suspend the strong urge to think of words starting with the letter "S".

Perhaps my adventures were turning me more nuts than a woman called Hazel who lived in Brazil and had been drowned in Walnut Creek, rescued by Monkeys, cracked open, had an orchestra performing the Nutcracker Suite at her graveside while informing her that she was a shell of her former self, had been mixed with the DNA of a scottish man called HootsMon MacAdamia, and then re-assembled into a woman who was heroically crowned with the name Queen Nutella Nutshella of the Nutty Republic of Nutland...

Lil then took me to visit Xelas' home system:

It was late at night, there weren't many people around, and not entirely unlike two deaf lovers who were cheating on their spouses, my first full meeting with Xelas turned out to be a very quiet affair...

We pressed on into the night, and some time later we found that we had wandered into the inner sanctum of the mysterious indigenous tribe called The Horde.

Lil quickly warped me to an inconspicuous safespot in their system, from which I could observe this strange species of creature in its natural habitat.

Things quickly began to turn hostile, and one of the residents accused me of being "shocking". I duly checked myself for electrodes, powerful electrical generators, and the ability to summon lightning storms.

I wasn't quite sure what to make of this development, so we heroically fled to the exit gate, only to find that the Horde were waiting there for us, their razor-sharp teeth glistening in the night...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 071 - Acronyms FTW

2006-10-14T05:02:00.000+01:00

Acronyms FTW

I arrived at the wonderful citadel of Fountain, wondering what awe-inspiring and fantastical adventures awaited me at my exciting new home.

Shortly after arriving, I was introduced to the politics of the area by a kind and helpful soul named Triderious. He was a plain-speaking and simple kind of pilot from the "Xelas" alliance, who kindly went out of his way to make me feel very much at home:

To say that I was annoyed would be more of an understatement than attempting to say something whilst playing the Hawaiian game "Limbo". For no reason whatsoever, this abominable killer had callously sat at the gate, and had deliberately let me fly close to him, several seconds after I had warped in, so that he could then open fire on me and attempt to murder me at close quarters.

As I escaped, I asked him exactly why he had done this:

I was clearly speaking with a mindless lackey who was using the classic defence of hiding behind meaningless acronyms. Like a murderous postman, he had thrown letters at me after trying to shoot me dead, and at that moment I felt like grabbing a selection of vowels and consonants, and shoving them so far up his backside that his intestines would become Alphabetti Spaghetti...

Just what exactly was this mysterious NBSI that so many cowards used as an excuse to murder the weak?

No Brains, Stupid Ignorance?

No Balls, Slaughters Innocents?

Nasty Belligerence, Stunted Intelligence?

Maybe my stalker was just an unquestioning pilot doing his job, and if I met him socially I would probably discover he is a nice guy, but after 100-jumps it is not exactly the kind of welcome anyone would want to receive.

I fired off an irate evemail to the woman I once had an affair with:

Triderious' claim that this was Xelas space was quite simply false.

I was in a system that contained two NPC stations which had been placed there by the game designers for the use of all players. Informing me that I was in claimed territory was a plain lie. Systems with NPC stations are in NPC sovereignty areas and cannot be claimed by anyone.

He did not reply.

I had only escaped because I already had my mouse hovering over "warp to 100km" from a random asteroid belt that I had preselected as I flew towards him, and was able to instantly click it the second I saw him start targetting me.

If I had been a less-experienced n00b, out for fun and adventure with my basic mining laser, I would have been blown to smithereens.

However, my new home turned out not to be all doom and gloom, because shortly after the failed assassination, I had the pleasure of meeting another Xelas pilot, who turned out to be extremely intelligent and friendly:

Taji and I spent around an hour chatting about the wonderful world of EVE, and she informed me that Xelas operates as a "buffer zone" for BOB, and includes several industrial corporations that provide ships, mods and equipment to fuel their crushing war machine.

We began to discuss my dream of a n00b nursery:

This was an incredible idea, and I was already filling up with immense excitement and wonder at the thought of the possibilities that could be opened up to me, if I could just find a way to breach the inner sanctum of the Gods.

It was decided.

When I finished here in Fountain, I would head to the unreachable region on the map called "Jove" Space, where the Viking Gods of EVE resided, and I would boldly try to go where no pilot had been before:

To seek an audience with the creators.

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 070 - Around The World In 100 Jumps

2006-10-11T22:35:00.000+01:00

Around The World In 100 Jumps

Over the next few days, like a retired theatre actor, I was not able to play much, but was informed that like two drunks fighting over a bottle of whiskey, control of the distillery had swung back and forth between I.A.C & Allies and the Mercenary Coalition & FIX several times.

By all accounts it had been a tremendous war and both sides had very much enjoyed the fighting. The last I heard of it was that it was now back in control of I.A.C for the moment.

I had jumped out of G-7 into my jumpclone in Ushra Khan space, thus leaving a clone at the distillery, so if the desire to observe the crushing brutality overcame me once more, I could easily jump back there, from wherever I was in the world.

After starting a manufacturing job of 12 executioners at ISS Fabrica, and studying the map for a while, I decided that since I had been to Emilio land at the beginning of my adventure, and had spent much time in the South, I was now ready to go somewhere new, and I randomly opted for the western side of the universe.

I plotted a 60-jump course around low-sec empire, deliberately taking the anti-clockwise scenic route to one of the western exits of empire space. From western empire it was then a further 30-40 jumps through "Syndicate" and then into the "Fountain" region in the far west, to reach my thrilling destination.

Since I was going to be travelling for quite a long while, I thought it would be a good idea to stretch out in the comfy leather chair in my pod, while munching on fresh red grapes, sipping fine Italian wines, and listening to the radio.

Unfortunately, this was what I heard when I switched it on:

41 jumps later, and for the first time since I had been blown up by the Titan, I entered a system where it appeared to be broad daylight in space:

I eventually arrived in the Placid region, just a few jumps from one of the main western exits from empire into 0.0, and began a conversation with the local residents (one of whom, for reasons that will become apparent, later requested anonymity)

I said goodbye to the locals, and a few jumps later, while I was studying my map in the system next door to the empire exit, I encountered Dubya again, who informed me that he was going to dramatically save my life.

Apparently, the exit had a huge gatecamp on the other side, waiting to viciously tear apart anyone who so much as dared to fly into it. This was yet another example of why it is so excruciatingly difficult for n00bs to get into 0.0, and I was immediately filled with rage.

However, to my surprise, Dubya then informed me that he would be able to get me through it, and he promptly jumped to the other side to perform a very secret negotiation.

An astonishing fact then transpired:

Incredibly, Dubya was a secret alt of the CEO of the corporation that was running the gatecamp, and was also a shareholder in INNOMINATE NEUTRALITY!

Clearly, it was in his corporation's financial interests to see that I came to no harm, and I was quickly escorted through and made blue with the group. What a stroke of luck!

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

After discovering that for a monthly fee, corporations can open offices in NPC stations, I opened one in Syndicate (which would enable me to move my medical clone there whenever I wanted to) and continued in my epic journey down to Fountain.

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

Another hour or so later, I eventually arrived at my final destination, and rested my weary feet at the local inn. I wondered what the people who lived here would be like. Would they treat me with fluffy kindness, or would I be spat upon with piercing hostility?

A few minutes later, I found out...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 069 - Hostile Takeover

2006-10-10T04:10:00.000+01:00

Hostile Takeover

Upon logging back in, I stared goggle-eyed at the screen as the realisation dawned on me that the station I was docked at no longer belonged to the Interstellar Alcohol Conglomerate.

The Mercenary Coalition banner was proudly flying and I wondered just who it was who had hired them to besiege The Distillery in a bombardment of violent station-stealing shock.

I quickly discovered the answer to my question

It would appear that my fearless rock excavator friends had been hired by a group called "Firmus Ixion" and had fought alongside them to conquer The Distillery.

I was relieved that they had not damaged the strip club:

Being more astonished by this than a woman who was in a jewellers shop and who, after having been offered a choice between three different types of necklace, had opted for pearl, I had no choice but to immediately interrogate the invaders:

Upon further questioning and discussion with the 110 people in Local (much to the annoyance of their commanders who wanted silence and did not get it) I then learned that FIX were friends with the Steven Spielberg television mini series "Band-Of-Brothers" and were vaguely neutral towards ASCN.

I began to wonder if this development had any connection with the war that was taking place in the deep south between BOB and ASCN, and as I adjusted my tinfoil hat to get a better view, I wondered which seemingly unconnected alliance on the map would get blown up next...

At the beginning of my adventure I did not have the faintest clue, nor the slightest interest in EVE politics, but I now found myself becoming absolutely enthralled and intrigued by the layers of history that had been blood-stainingly piled upon each other via sweat-filled years of conflict, strife, friendship, treachery, upheaval and bitter sorrow.

With the subject of death now sadly on my mind, I continued in my conversation with members of FIX, and as they were talking I recalled that when I had been flying between Maelstrom Prime and the Distillery, I had been viciously and skin-slicingly attacked by a dirty duo of dastardly devil-worshippers:

The "Imperial Republic Of The North" had bitterly destroyed my humble ship for no reason, had brutally podded me and had then shockingly teased me after bumping into me again outside the distillery.

When it happened I had informed Maelstrom of the outrage:

I now informed FIX of the harrowing incident too:

I can honestly say that it was the first time I had ever been referred to as an item of anal headgear...

What was it, that caused this mixture of joy and pain to sweep the continuum, like a monolithic intergalactic broom of contradiction?

During my short time in this world, I had encountered such great, wonderful, truly magnificent souls, who were more than willing to go beyond the call of duty to help, and to further the happiness of those around them.

However, I had also encountered a multitude of lecherous low-down wretched mutant gutter-residing bloodsuckers of the worst possible breeding, who would not know the word "courtesy" even if their family name was "Assy" and their parents, via some contrived co-incidence had named them all "Curt".

Perhaps, to appreciate joy one must first experience sadness, for something can only be truly measured in relation to its opposite.

I needed to clear my mind and to escape from this ever-escalating conflict, so I decided to do something fun and crazy. I excitedly opened my map, and for no reason whatsoever, I crazily plotted a random 100-jump course to somewhere I had never been before...

Where would I land next?...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 068 - A Tale Of Two Cities (Part 3)

2006-10-08T22:25:00.000+01:00

A Tale Of Two Cities (Part 3)

A short while later, a chat request box appeared on my screen and I was thrust into a conversation with Andrew once more.

In a split second, I decided that honesty was the best policy, and after dramatically confessing everything and throwing myself at his mercy, I was somewhat surprised to see that he didn't seem remotely bothered:

Not entirely unlike the thrice-weekly activities of Backdoor Bandit and his friend Hans Roaming, this loving mutual raiding had been taking place for some time, and was considered to be quite normal between these two parties. My nerves became calmed and soothed, and the conversation changed to the topic of my dream of building a n00b haven in 0.0.

Andrew began to teach me the mechanics of station-building:

Maelstrom alliance had created their first station just two months ago, and it gave me substantial hope that I could also follow in their footsteps by doing the same.

Unfortunately, Andrew advised me that in order to achieve this, I would probably need to create an alliance of at least 300 pilots who would be willing to lay their lives down for the good of the n00bs.

It was a tall order indeed, and I began to wonder if I was living in a deluded fantasy world.

After meeting me halfway, Andrew escorted me back to Maelstrom Prime, where I docked and was pleased to meet lots of new people.

I began to ask about their feelings towards I.A.C:

The source of the conflict between them was complex, and stretched far back into the history of the south. I recalled talking with the pilots in ASCN space, during the capital ships parade on my first night there, and of learning about their history with D2, and I imagined that if there did exist a solution to the conflict between IAC and Maelstrom, it would be very difficult to implement.

I then listened to their memories of creating their first station:

There was a great sense of warmth in listening to the excited recollections of the events that had led to the creation of their very own home, and I was heartened and bolstered by the experience. I resolved that I would continue to ignore those who say it cannot be done, and would resolutely pursue the idea.

IAC then unexpectedly burst into the system and raided Maelstrom:

This time I was on the other side of the attack, and I decided that the perfect opportunity had arisen to attempt to heal the wounds between these two warring peoples:

My speech was failing miserably, and my noble delusions of inter-region unity were dwindling more rapidly than the credibility of a man who had been caught in a compromising position with a cucumber, a tub of vaseline and a flock of sheep...

I hurriedly decided to deflect attention onto a more positive aspect of their relationship, and not entirely unlike someone on the receiving end of an eviscerating political speech, I was promptly accused of supporting terrorists...

The brutal raid ended and I spent the rest of the night getting to know the pilots in Maelstrom, whom I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with. I really liked both of these alliances and it truly saddened me that they could not find a way to get along.

I headed back to The Distillery and logged out, intending to return fresh the next day for some serious "shuttle diplomacy."

I was determined to succeed in my first valiant attempt at being a neutral diplomat.

However, when I logged back in, I shockingly discovered that the banner of the Mining Coalition was now flying over the Distillery, which had just been ruthlessly conquered!

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 067 - A Tale Of Two Cities (Part 2)

2006-10-06T23:43:00.000+01:00

A Tale Of Two Cities (Part 2)

As I tried to hoist myself into the bathroom of my pod, to wash my hungover brutish face, I vaguely recalled that the night before the morning after my drinking session, I had been contacted by a high-up official in some corporation or alliance that my drunken brain could not remember.

As far as I could gather in my extremely intoxicated and sozzled state, I seemed to partially recall having been invited to visit whoever it was.

I tried my best to visualise the conversation:

In a very dazed sense of confusion and mystifying discombobulation, I fervently scratched my head for a while, and eventually had to conceed that I could only recall a tiny and slight sliver of the hazy discussion that had taken place with this mystery person.

This was clearly not getting me anywhere, so I made the firm decision to give up, and I hoped that whoever it was would contact me again at some point in the future, to re-issue their invitation.

My thoughts returned to the present, and after washing my visage with an invigorating "Minmatar Mineral Mask", I excitedly joined the gang of boozed-up home-wreckers on their whiskey-fueled frigate raid of a poor and unsuspecting local alliance, whose name was quite an accurate description of what we were about to unleash on them:

Maelstrom

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

We arrived at Maelstrom Prime and found ourselves smashing and crashing around in the local asteroid belts, spleen-twistingly blowing the enemy further and further into history, with each resounding pop of our weapons of doom.

Luckily for me, in my drunken hurry to join the gang I had neglected to fit any guns on my noble Condor, and as such I was only able to provide valuable tactical support by randomly fleeing to safespots whenever it got too scary...

The entire raid seemed to be very much a good-spirited affair, and both I.A.C and Maelstrom were polite to each other in their talk in Local.

I did not know if I would have been so calm if I had been the one on the receiving end of such a brutal and bloody attack, and I was left with a deep sense of intrigue and wonder at this gentlemanly conflict between these two neighbouring cities.

Our gang leader gave us a preliminary tally of our kills:

I was informed that it was a normal course of action for each side to brutally pod each other during such raids. We had committed a total of 10 murders and I began to wonder if a Yarrish desire to go on another Ibis rampage was imminently about to start building inside of me again...

As we heroically travelled back home from the victorious slaughter of the innocents, my memory began to clear up and I was finally able to remember who it was that I had been invited to visit next:

Oops...

In a blinding flash of recall, I then clearly visualised the details of Maelstrom's kind invitation with a sickening and distinct clarity:

This was rapidly shaping up to become one of the most shocking diplomatic blunders of all time!

I desperately started searching my brain to think of a way to get out of the impending doo-doo that was about to hit the very quickly spinning fan, that was just inches from my highly embarrassed face.

I saw five possible options open to me:

1) Contact him and confess everything.

2) Contact him and deny everything.

3) Don't contact him at all.

4) Offer to attack I.A.C in my Ibis.

5) Do nothing and just see what happens.

I spent the next few hours in a gut-wrenching bout of agonising soul-searching, and it was then that I was suddenly forced into making a terrifying decision...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 066 - A Tale Of Two Cities (Part 1)

2006-10-05T20:34:00.000+01:00

A Tale Of Two Cities (Part 1)

- It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of alcoholism...

After having been terrified by a ravaging troupe of carebear killers, I decided that it was time to boogie unrestrictedly and to have some wholesome and sinful fun.

As I studiously studied my map, I recalled that when I was at the love shack for the launch of the Titan, I had previously met a lunatic who went by the name of "Jim Lovell", who was one of the big cheeses of an alliance called the "Interstellar Alcohol Conglomerate".

Jim had invited me to his home in the Catch region for a drink, and had informed me that his station was set to joyously dispense a bottle of wine to everyone who docked.

I decided to take him up on his wonderful invitation:

After docking and moving my clone to their headquarters, which were appropriately named "The Distillery", it became starkly apparent that the name of this group was not a joke, and that in their frequent drunken binges they often destroyed their own ships, inspired by the worst alcoholic of all:

Their leader...

Despite being peeved by the fact that the station had not dispensed a bottle of wine to me yet, I tried not to laugh at hearing this sorrowful tale of the loss of a 1 billion isk ship that blew up on an asteroid, and I decided that I would try to help these poor pilots along the road to recovery by steering the conversation away from alcohol.

My plan did not go very well:

Like an open wound, the atmosphere was infectious, and I found myself getting dragged into the merriment. I knew that resistance was highly likely to be futile.

As if to prove the theory that when people are drunk they are generous, a whole assortment of trade boxes appeared on my screen and I was showered with a bizarre collection of inappropriate gifts:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

A short time later, and as the drinks freely flowed around the bar, drunken pilots began to challenge each other to insane duels, and I rapidly found myself standing in the middle of an absolutely hilarious and truly bizarre fight, of the likes I had never seen in my entire adventure:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

I continued to stare goggle-eyed at this lunacy that was taking place outside the station, as ships swooned and swayed under the feeble control of pilots who were in a daze and stupor, with wildly glazed-over eyes, and I found myself thoroughly enjoying it!

These were by far one of the most fun groups of players I had ever encountered, and after another few drinks I began to wonder if it was myself or them who had lost the plot:

As I staggered around in my pod, I decided to inject a modicum of decorum into the situation and took the opportunity to enquire as to what it was that their alliance actually did in the game.

I was relieved to get a sensible answer:

Having now been given a great understanding of the underlying mechanics of how they operated, I decided that if I couldn't beat them, then I may as well have fun joining them.

I ended up spending the rest of the night getting absolutely plastered.

Some time later, and in the early hours of the morning, I staggered to my feet, to see a very sexy looking ship hovering nearby:

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGE

I passed out once again, and a few hours later I found myself being awoken by several "smashed" pilots who informed me that they loved me, and who then invited me to join an intoxicated group of 12 frigates, in order to drunkenly raid an unsuspecting alliance in a nearby city...

Unfortunately, I said yes...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 065 - Carebear Stare

2006-10-04T21:06:00.000+01:00

Carebear Stare

Later that evening, I met my friend Brunswick at Inflatable House and I gave him the blueprints to transport to ISS Fabrica in his very fast Interceptor.

He advised me that the most effective way for us to move them was for me to act as a scout, flying one jump ahead of him and scanning the systems ahead for evil and rampant attackers.

I was excited by this prospect because I had previously only been the one being scouted for, and not the one doing the thrilling scouting.

I remembered from when the D2 Commander Lou Cypher had scouted for me in the North, that it was an activity that was more fraught with peril and danger than having your private parts trapped in your zipper in the middle of a public convenience.

Luckily we were in a relatively safe and neutral area of the map, so there was clearly no chance whatsoever that a few jumps later I would find myself staring down the barrels of four shotguns that were being wielded by a destructive group called the "Coalition Of Carebear Killers"...

A few seconds after jumping through the gate to X6AB-Y in a very heroic scouting manner, I was immediately confronted with a screen of blinking red, and I made the altruistic decision to rampantly flee to a random planet, before then making a forthright and strong gesture of defiance by warping from the random planet to a random moon, making a safespot between them and bravely hiding in a hole...

A few minutes later, I nervously and n00bishly tried warping to 100km from various gates in the system, to find that there were scary blinking red people at them, with chunks of bloody carebear flesh dangling from their incisors.

With trembling limbs, I quickly retreated back to the safespot once more, and shivered and shook like a man who had just stepped out of the bath on a cold winter morning, to accidentally find himself trapped inside a snowman.

Brunswick fearlessly jumped in and joined me:

Eventually, we hatched an ingenious plan that involved me jumping to 100km from the gate, quickly making a bookmark, and then bringing it back to Brunswick, so that he could then warp to 200km from the gate, giving him a vantage point to safely observe from:

I then opened a chat channel with one of the pilots in the system, who was part of CVA, and he informed me that they were "working on the problem."

We sat at the safespot for a few minutes more, and as I looked at the fluffy solar clouds around me, I listened to the distant cries of poor and helpless carebears being torn to shreds by malevolent forces of carnage and doom.

We fearlessly decided to make a run for it:

To my utter surprise, when we reached the gate we saw that two of the carebear murderers had been brutally killed by the CVA guys, and the other two seemed more concerned with protecting their friends' pods than with attacking us.

We managed to flee through the gate unscathed, and the rest of my scouting to our destination was thankfully trouble-free.

Even though I was still regularly terrified by these encounters with merciless podders, I always found that after the event, I could look back on it and in some strange way acknowledge that I had enjoyed being horrifically chased.

There was a certain sense of fun to the danger element of flirting with psychotic killers, and I sincerely hoped that I would not find myself getting addicted to it...

After we had dropped off the blueprints, Brunswick then took me on a quick trip to see a station that looked suspiciously like a giant intergalactic anal thermometer:

The very next day, I was set to have an immense amount of fun, with a bunch of demented alcoholic lunatics...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 064 - Lagging Behind The Enemy

2006-10-03T01:21:00.000+01:00

Lagging Behind The Enemy

Word had been sent by astral carrier-pigeon that a violent and historic battle was about to take place in GQ2S-8, in ASCN space.

The "Band Of Brothers" alliance had declared war on ASCN and were currently attempting to take control of the station in that system. I jumped down to the Love Shack and hurriedly plotted a 16-jump course to reach the target system.

As I was travelling down there, my thoughts turned to the sheer depth of the universe that I was very much enjoying exploring.

Upon looking at the list of alliances on the map, I noted that there were at least 20 of them that I had not yet heard of! Perhaps I was not as wise and as travelled as I had first n00bishly thought.

I nervously jumped into the system adjacent to the war-zone:

I was pleased to see ShuPac again, whom I had previously had the pleasure of meeting when I flew around my first ever complex at the bottom of the universe, and I then spent some time talking with the brave and fearsome pilots in local.

I then met a noble Band Of Brothers pilot:

Like the credit card bills of a shop-a-holic, the number of pilots in local continually increased, and just as I was deciding whether to jump into the warzone yet, I was invited into an "allied" gang that was forming.

After approximately 60 people joined, I re-named my ship ***NEUTRAL OBSERVER*** and we headed to the foreboding and fearsome gates of hell:

Surprisingly, there appeared to be an excitement-shattering traffic jam, and we had to twiddle our thumbs for 3 minutes, after which, and like most software running on windows likes doing, the game promptly crashed and chucked everyone out.

30 minutes later, after briefly getting back in and finding that it instantly crashed again, I now found myself in a random place in the warzone, and quickly fled to the station in a very bold and heroic manner.

For the next hour or so I sat in Local wondering what was going on, as both sides were desperately trying to regroup. Eventually, I was contacted by "Chedburn" whom I had met several times previously during my visits to ASCN, and I took the opportunity to ask him what had happened to the gang:

Unfortunately, it had then been decided that I could not get back in, and the next day an Evemail was sent to ASCN members explaining that during times of war I should not be invited into their gangs for security reasons.

This was entirely sensible and understandable. After all, as Ched had said, they were fighting for their very existence, and the last thing they needed was a man flying around wildly in a shuttle, distracting them from the task at hand. In times of war it is quite rightly necessary to tighten security.

The war had been something of a let-down, so I decided to do something different entirely and I set off to "Inflatable House" to do some investigation into how I would go about using my blueprints to manufacture some thrilling items.

Upon arrival, I met a very friendly pilot called Winter Star, who informed me that she was a member of a brand new alliance:

The Volition Cult had been around as friends for a long time but had only just got together as an alliance. I had previously enjoyed meeting some of the members of the Sylph Alliance and it was nice to learn about yet more new people, and their lofty goals of success in this enchanting world.

I then encountered a pilot who would most definitely not be out of place fighting alongside Strongy Strong and Tighty Tight:

It was then that something explosively frightening was set to adrenalin-thumpingly happen...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 063 - Living On The Streets

2006-10-01T22:15:00.000+01:00

Living On The Streets

The next day, I decided to use a jump clone that was located in an ISS station in the providence region, to go and visit those valiant neutrals again, regarding my dream of a n00b outpost.

After jumping up there, I entered into a conversation with a pilot called "Drakmor", whom I had spoken to a few times previously during the war at the Ushra Khan station in 9UY.

Drakmor was apparently one of the high ranking members of the "Sylph Alliance", who were based in and around ISS space.

I was promptly made blue and invited to their home, and I figured that this would be a good opportunity to learn about how smaller alliances in EVE operate.

I was astonished to see that they lived at a moon.

After having lounged around extensively in the rich ornateness of ASCN, it was quite a surprise to now find myself slumming it with the lower classes, who did not possess so much as a station to dock at, nor two helium isotopes to rub together.

I spent some time talking with Drakmor and his alliance friends "Monma Cicov" and "Hugo Strange", and as I accepted the polystyrene cup of diluted thin economy soup from the charity that was distributing it around the POS, a certain sense of warmth and homelessness overcame me...

I had not yet had the chance to google Sylph to find out who they really were, and Drakmor cunningly decided to pre-empt this imminent slander by informing me of the result in advance:

After quickly changing the subject and discovering that Sylph were also working on creating their very first station, our meeting ended when Drakmor had to valiantly log out.

I returned to the ISS station next door and was pleased to see that my new friend Elisa Day, whom I had met at the 9UY war, was docked there, and was brandishing a mystery item.

She presented me with a gift:

My friend Brunswick from ASCN had previously purchased some blueprints in empire for me and had covertly moved them to the "Inflatable House" station, (which is owned by the CVA alliance), so that I could try my hand at manufacturing:

Elisa then informed me that because the ISS station we were at was Amarr, there was a 30% bonus to manufacturing there. I decided that I would arrange to have the blueprints moved there the next day and as a trial I would perhaps begin a dizzying temporary career as an industrialist.

Later that night, I lay back on the observation deck of the ISS station and looked up into the bewildering infinity of the night. I had come a long long way but still felt that there was so much more that I wanted to achieve.

I had been contacted by many people who had offered all kinds of services and support, to help me towards my fantastical goal. I wondered if it really was achievable, and I fell asleep occupied with gallant dreams of a legion of hearty 0.0 noobs, playing happily in a glorious utopia.

The next day, I logged in to see that Seleene (the honcho of the mining coalition) was also docked with me at the Sanitary Disposal Company station. The topic of conversation moved onto the fine ships of EVE, and the wonderful variety of craft that could be mastered.

Naturally, I expressed my preference for shuttles:

This was an incredible present!

Out of rampant guilt for brutally destroying my Ibis, Seleene had kindly given me a fully fitted Tech 2 interceptor, which I proudly put on display in my hangar, awaiting the day that I would be able to fly the noble beast.

As I then swooshed a glass of Chateau La Fite 1962, word was sent to me of a brutal battle that was taking place between ASCN and the Band Of Brothers.

I just had to go and take a look...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 062 - Unconventional Death

2006-09-30T18:48:00.000+01:00

Unconventional Death

After witnessing the incredible launch of the first Titan (but before being blown up by it), I had returned to the love shack and spent a few hours relaxing on a divine camel-hair rug.

It was then that I received an intriguing invitation:

On many of the occasions that I had visited ASCN during my adventure, there had been evil and cursed vagabonds roaming the adjacent systems, preying on unsuspecting passers-by.

In fact, it was this very same group (Burn Eden) who had been responsible for destroying my shuttle, ruining Smagd's drink of spiced wines and making me extremely late for a war.

Nonetheless, I decided that I would viciously insult them....

....and would then accept the invitation to learn more about their organisation.

After tentatively entering the system where they were based, we quickly realised that I could, in fact, have this conversation whilst sipping Earl Gey tea from the comfort of my decadent chaise longue in the love shack:

It would seem that they had not proclaimed the desire to drive a stake through my heart just yet, and I was thankful for the distinct lack of death that had befallen me.

However, the fact that I had not yet been shot dead did not deter me from my goal of asking them challenging and vigorous questions about their brutal and horrific activities.

They began to teach me about their organisation:

Kusarigama went on to explain that Burn Eden operated in a manner which enabled them to win the vast majority of fights that they engaged in by using "unusual" or "original" tactics, which often surprised or confused the people they were attacking.

They had no qualms about using lots of warp core stabilisers, the utilisation of cloaks, or other methods that some other players objected to. It was an interesting subject, and it would appear to be one that is a great point of contention amongst seasoned PVP players in EVE.

I was enjoying listening to their rampant boasting of past victories, but in the back of my mind an ever-building rage at the fact that they had made me late for the war was reaching a crescendo:

Like a man suffering from great flatulence, I let rip:

Lies!

The simple fact remained that this organisation, with no regard for my innocent desire to have a drink with a friend, had morbidly unleashed a torrent of death and destruction upon me, and were now denying that they would ever do such a thing! I was outraged.

Nonetheless, as our conversation continued, I began to realise that there was nothing particularly psychotic or deranged about these people.

They quite rightly put forward the argument that EVE is a game, and that their activities, despite sometimes hurting people, do in fact take place in a game world.

It was a valid point.

My hostility began to evaporate slightly, and I then enquired about the "WCS" issue, and also as to their views on having murdered a player called Blind Watchmaker earlier that day:

I had previously met two -10 pirates in Heild, and had been as surprised as a man whose surname was "prize" and who had just been knighted, to learn that they were willing to give out advice to help people protect themselves.

I then asked Burn Eden the same question:

Despite the fact that these people were more evil and crushing than a very large and malevolent boulder being dropped on a vicar's head, I had nonetheless learned some very useful things and had enjoyed my conversation with them.

I had learned that there are always two sides to every story.

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 061 - Titanic (Part 2)

2006-09-28T23:54:00.000+01:00

Titanic (Part 2)

I was still attempting to recover from the incredible excitement of the events that had transpired earlier that day. My brain was struggling to process the amazing sights that I had witnessed.

I can honestly say that it was such a vision of true beauty, that in the entire history of art, poetry, music and all things sweet and romantic, nothing in the long-reaching span of humanity had ever come close to the perfection that I had witnessed.

It was truly beautiful:

The titan wasn't too bad either...

Later that evening I attended a secret location somewhere mysterious in ASCN space, and was to be part of an incredible event that was to be the icing on the very cake of my crazy adventure:

A tremendous and overwhelming sense of excitement built up inside of me, as the realisation dawned on me that I was to become one of the first people in EVE ever to be brutally murdered by a titan. I suddenly felt like I was a young child once more, filling with wonder and glee at the prospect of the monumental event that was just minutes away...

I took a moment to thank CYVOK for the earlier events:

The next 120 seconds seemed like an eternity, almost as if the strands of time themselves had deliberately elongated, in an agonising stretching of temporal perception.

A million emotions flooded through my nervous system, as tiny electrical impulses of delight stimulated areas of my mind that brought forth senses of unsurpassed elation and joy.

The moment had arrived

A loud sound filled the "air" and my entire screen suddenly went pure brilliant white, completely blinding me with its sheer dazzling starkness.

The whiting effect must have lasted for at least 5-10 seconds, during which I sat stunned, in total awe, and unable to speak for the duration.

As the light faded into the nothingness of space, I looked around me to see the remnants of most of the ships in the area being simultaneously destroyed with a loud POP:

Suddenly, it was all over....

For a long while, there was a stunned silence amongst the very small group of people who were present in Local at this secret test-base, and after managing to regain my composure I then learned how CYVOK had brought about the construction of this truly incredible ship:

After being somewhat surprised by this revelation, I decided to change the subject and quickly enquired about the training involved in becoming the sole pilot of the most incredible vessel in EVE:

It was most definitely an expensive and arduous labour of love, and it had certainly had gone down in history as being the most incredible achievement to date.

I then noticed that my EVEMAIL was flashing, and I nervously and excitedly opened it to discover the official confirmation that I had not just spent the past 15 minutes in a dream:

*Location deleted to respect confidentiality:

It was now official. I had truly become one of the first ever players in EVE to have been mercilessly and bitterly ravaged at the hands of the most gargantuan brute in existence. I could not believe my eyes.

I had not been number one, although seventh was more than good enough for me. It had been a true honour and a great privilege to be present at this event and the entire experience had completely made my day.

The wonders of this EVE universe never cease to astonish me, and I can only begin to dream of what yet awaits me, as I continue my flights of fancy into this alluring and enchanting world of wonder.

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 060 - Titanic (Part 1)

2006-09-28T00:43:00.000+01:00

Titanic (Part 1)

It is said that in the average person's life, there are perhaps only two or three key moments that truly stand out as being the most memorable experiences that we cherish.

The events that I am about to describe, represent my first such moment in the world of EVE...

I had been informed that my friends in ASCN had been working on a project to recreate a famous ocean liner that sank to the bottom of the sea, after being brutally podded by an iceberg in 1912.

Naturally, I was ecstatically overjoyed at this magnificent revelation, and I decided to use my jump clone to head down to AZN-D2 for some nautical sightseeing.

Unfortunately, this happened:

Not only had I previously been tardy for the war in 9UY, but I had now also arrived fashionably late for this star-studded public appearance by the infamous Kate Winslet.

Quelle Horreur!

Instead of seeing Kate, I now had to make do with a kinky woman dressed in a metallic rubber suit, who decided to publically make fun of me, and to mercilessly tease me, about my heartbreak at having missed the eagerly awaited ship-launch.

On top of all that, and for some inexplicably hostile reason, she decided to stamp on my little n00b heart using the most offensive horrid blue text:

I was absolutely distraught by this vicious attack against me. There was a limit to the amount of vile abuse that a pilot could take in this game, and her derogatory comment had clearly gone beyond the realms of "smacktalking".

I had no choice but to immediately file a petition against the woman for griefing...

However, just as I was about to hit "send", and to my utter astonishment and disbelief, I was informed that "CYVOK", the head of ASCN, who was also the pilot of their titanic vessel, had heard of my arrival and was going to come back for me!

I could not believe what I was hearing:

I tried to ignore the blue-texted woman who was asking idiotic questions in Local, and a great sense of awe and wonder overcame me, as I witnessed what must have been the single-most astonishing moment in my short life in EVE.

The heavens suddenly snapped open, and a ship of such spectacular and epic proportions swooned into the system, causing me to instantly fall to my knees in admiration.

When I had stepped out of Empire space, at the beginning of my adventure, with that little mining laser, I never, in my dreams, could have imagined standing here today, looking at an almighty mushroom:

Click To View Image

As I tilted my camera with my shaking hands, and zoomed in for a close up of the top, I couldn't help but think that this was a giant intergalactic vacuum cleaner, and someone had forgotten to plug in the hose:

Click To View Image

Having finally seen this wonder with my very own eyes, I now truly understood why this incredible ship had won an astonishing 11 academy awards:

Click To View Image

I felt like I had almost touched an angel.

I was just a man in a shuttle, but somehow, through the faith and belief in a conviction that great things can be achieved by those who are just willing to try, I had now gone down in history as having been given my own personal show, at the launch of the first ever Titan in EVE...

I felt truly honoured by this kind act.

Incredibly, this story does not end here, because 5 hours later I was set to be part of an even more amazing event...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 059 - Drink To The End Of The War

2006-09-27T22:35:00.000+01:00

Drink To The End Of The War

During the siege of 9UY4-H, which spanned several days, it transpired that the heroic allies, like a valiant platoon of soldiers with a fearsome sounding name such as "The Black Knights", were destined to succeed in thwarting the pirate insurgents.

Much more importantly than the above:

I finally got hold of Smagd to invite him for a drink.

He then valiantly travelled the 20 jumps to come and meet me (which surprised me because I thought he lived in the Providence region) and he eventually proudly entered the warzone and came and docked:

After a considerable length of time that was impossible to measure due to the alcohol that was now spinning around in my brain, I found that neither myself, nor my drinking partner Smagd, could understand a single word that the other was saying:

After another 38 inappropriately named beverages, and showing off a truly crude and obscene party trick that involved me disappearing into the bathroom with a pint of beer and a mars bar, shaping the mars bar under a hot tap to give it contours that mirrored those of a fresh turd, dropping it into the pint of beer and then returning to make the claim that I had "done a dump" in the glass, followed by me slowly drinking it in front of everyone, I drunkenly clicked accept as I was given one of the nicest gifts I have ever received:

Some time later, and as the war was drawing to its thrilling climax, I was invited to join my friends in the Mercenary Coalition (who had been hired by the "goodies") to viciously and dextrously destroy one of the pirate structures.

I finally got to see the brave mercenaries at work:

Click To View Image

Watching a large scale project in action was an impressive sight, and I left the scene very happy at having witnessed it. I was so happy, in fact, that the urge for violence shot through me, causing me to grab my Ibis and undock once more.

Unfortunately, a few seconds later, after informing Seleene (the head of the Mercenary Coalition) that her time was up, and targetting her with my Ibis, I was very quickly destroyed in one shot and found myself docking at the station again...

Quickly burying the memory of this very foolish attack in the deep dark recesses of my mind, I spent the next couple of hours having a few more drinks and feeling very philosophical about my adventures.

It was then that I was very privileged to be invited into the gang of Ushra Khan, ISS, Mercenaries, and allies as they completed the final heroic act of the war, and destroyed the very last standing structure:

As the rockets, rail guns and energy weapons blasted and rocked the control tower, I slowly inched my pod closer and closer to the imminent grand finale to this tremendous conflict.

Despite the fact that there is no sound in space, a great noise started to erupt from the dying tower, as a whole team of soldiers fired in unison to bring this horrid symbol of piracy down.

Suddenly, it went BANG:

Click To View Image

Three seconds later, and as the impact of the explosion shuddered for miles and miles, I sat back and gasped as I witnessed one of the most incredible sights I had ever seen in my adventure.

The picture was quite simply beautiful:

However, the very next day, my journey was set to become even more fantastic, as I was to gain access to a series of events of truly titanic proportions...

(to be continued..)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 058 - Verone

2006-09-27T17:59:00.000+01:00

Verone

Some time later, I began to receive suggestions from the warriors in Local, regarding how I could spend my vast fortune. Several of these ideas were very ingenious, but it was one suggestion in particular that, like a piece of dirt expelled from a hurricane, caught my eye:

I could not believe it.

I knew that this Verone was a very clever fellow, and I began to suspect that his high success rate in the field of piracy was directly tied to his ability to charm. I recorded a note in my journal, to indicate that he was a "slippery one" and I began to discuss the neutrality of the ISS with the other pilots:

This was a truly fascinating discussion, because it hinted at the issues yet to come for INNOMINATE NEUTRALITY. My corporation had declared itself neutral, and until now there really hadn't been any reason for anyone to attack it.

I suspected that if my dream of building a n00b station ever came to fruition, I could find myself in some diffcult situations where I would be pressured to compromise my hallowed fence-sitting.

I sat back and listened as Verone continued to stir up the people in local, in a very suave, sophisticated and slick manner:

I found the whole exchange fascinating, because it showed me that despite the physical fighting that was going on in the system, there was also a whole psychological layer to the warfare, which was just as important as the actual fighting itself.

A short time later, I had a brief reunion with my friend Fowlplaychiken from the Mercenary Coalition, and as he left the system I was asked about an article that had appeared on the title-screen of the game, regarding my exciting adventures in my shuttle:

Click For Image

Filled with a new sense of bravado at what appeared to be my rapidly spreading fame, I decided that I would show those scurvy-ridden evil swashbucklers a thing or two about the art of deadly warfare:

Click For Image

Perhaps my selection of "pod" as my choice of vessel left much to be desired...

I was looking at what is called a "POS", this particular one belonging to the pirates, and as I enquired as to what their function was, in relation to the war, I noticed that "MrNightmares Luggage" was present in local...

After lulling me into a false sense of security by sweetly answering my questions, Verone then suddenly decided to seize the initiative and viciously hold me hostage, whilst torturing my poor and defenseless pod.

I could not believe the underhand levels that these "Veto" people would stoop to. Incredulously, he then demanded that I pay a massive ransom of two shares in INNOMINATE NEUTRALITY!

I had never been ransomed before, and was absolutely terrified. The bar on my life-gauge was becoming more and more red with each passing second and the thudding heartbeat noises that the game was generating made me choke with fear.

I was sitting there with one of the most notorious and vicious pirates in EVE on me (and his lackey henchman), and I rapidly became fearful of what my shareholders would think of me if I collapsed under the pressure.

A few minutes after giving Verone's charming regards to the overworked medical staff at my much used cloning facility, and despite the fact that he had just brutally podded me with a bitter vengeance, I nonetheless concluded that I liked him.

The thrilling events of the war then rapidly approached their conclusion...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 057 - War Party (Part 3)

2006-09-26T18:27:00.000+01:00

War Party (Part 3)

As I warped in at the gate to 9UY, I was suddenly targetted and attacked by an evil mistress of doom, who went by the name of Khalid Zhee. However, after striking up a conversation with this deadly assailant, and informing her that I was running late for a brutal battle, she decided to release me, so that I could go and watch the conflict next door:

I arrived in 9UY to see 100 pilots in local, and was greeted with a hearty welcome by both sides of the conflict. I was informed that they had just finished fighting, but that there would be more battles to come. The topic of conversation was "lag" and it would appear that the valiant clash that had just taken place had been marred with problems that had disrupted both sides.

I was then invited to fly to a gate that was being defended, in order to witness this heroic and valiant LAG first-hand:

I enquired of the noble warriors, as to the nature of the conflict, and after entering into a private conversation with one of the evil pirates, I excitedly learned the following:

The "baddies" in the conflict were a collection of pirate organisations, who were intent on taking the station in 9UY because it was a major trade route out of empire space, and was therefore a lucrative target to acquire.

This fact was staggering, because yet again it showed me that the EVE universe has more incredible diversity and depth than a menagerie being thrown into a bottomless pit.

To help me identify the goodies and baddies, the following was suggested:

I then took a moment to study the key players in this conflict.

On the "goodies" side was a pilot called Elisa Day, who was the captain of the fighting wing of the ISS. This was very fortunate for me, because she was exactly the sort of person I needed to speak to about creating a n00b station in 0.0.

On the "baddies" side, was a feared and notorious killer, who went by the name Verone, and was the founder of a crushing and malevolent pirate corporation called Veto, who I had been informed were feared throughout the universe.

Despite him being a vicious and nasty killer, I was also looking forward to speaking with Verone, to learn about how the most skilled and successful pirates in EVE operate.

It was fortunate then, that a few minutes later, and entirely to my surprise, Verone joined myself and Backdoor Bandit in the "alternate lifestyles" bar for a stiff one...

It would appear that, like myself, despite outwardly exhibiting the persona of a staunch Cassnova of the ladies, Verone had also permitted Backdoor Bandit occasional exclusive access to his pirate tunnel of love...

After all, even the most notorious killers in EVE needed to wind down on the weekends...

Since my bottle of spiced wines had been maniacally and violently destroyed by the scum-infested gate-camp earlier, I asked Local if anybody had a spare one that I could give to Smagd.

A player called Tubiger then very kindly gave me an exotic dancer and some spirits, for which I was most humbly grateful. All I needed to do now was to find Smagd, so that I could present him with this epic beverage.

It was then that I noticed that some of my friends from the Mining Coalition were also present at this battle, and that the coming events were set to seriously hot up towards a shocking finale...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 056 - War Party (Part 2)

2006-09-25T15:38:00.000+01:00

War Party (Part 2)

After being mangled at the hands of a malevolent gate-camp, I acquired another loving little shuttle in the love shack and plotted a different course, this time circumnavigating the offending system.

Unfortunately, changing my route from the quickest, to the one that avoided the gate camp, added another 10 jumps and now made my journey a total of 43. I turned up the Mozart that I was listening to, and like a bat out of hell, flew onwards into the night...

My journey upwards though the western area of ASCN space was enjoyably trouble-free, and I soon found myself in Stain once more. I was able to use my instas to travel through the whole of Stain, and into the catch region, where I docked and moved my clone to the station "ISS Marginis."

A few jumps later, and as I was sitting back and listening to Beethoven's Symphony Number 9, a window suddenly opened on my screen, and to my astonishment I found that I was once more in the presence of a man who, on weekdays was a "top", but on weekends was a "bottom":

For the very first time, this burly champion of alternate lifestyles had referred to me as "Nommy", and I felt myself blushing profusely.

The buxom temptress Missy had previously ended her relationship with me, and I had shortly thereafter promptly lost all interest in the young wench Frivolous.

I was feeling lonely and vulnerable, and was on a long trip to witness a war, without even a stiff shandy to perk me up. I wondered if I was about to be taken advantage of once more, by a man who, like a part-time geologist and seismologist, spent the latter part of most afternoons studying the hair-line fractures around cracks...

Like a jazz musician trapped in a block of ice, I decided to play it cool:

This was exciting pink news indeed!

It would appear that Backdoor Bandit's infamous organisation, which in a similar manner to the French Foreign Legion, enjoyed taking fit young recruits briskly up the Khyber Pass, was on the verge of celebrating its very first rainbow anniversary!

I was overcome with unmeasurable joy and unadulterated bliss, and I quickly changed the minidisc player in my shuttle to "Relax" by Frankie Goes To Hollywood.

The Lord Of The Rings then informed me that, like a pair of retired homo-erotic greek wrestlers, he was considering making a spectacular return to the public arena, and that I should pay special attention to the MGRL anniversary, just two weeks from now.

As he spoke his manly words of wisdom to me, I felt myself, like a character from Alice In Wonderland, being mesmerised by this Queen Of Hearts...

Backdoor then helped me to pass the time between jumps by teaching me about the history of the MGRL.

It would seem that his valiant and brave organisation did not just deliver their agenda via oral means, but were also very active at ramming their point home physically:

I had noticed that BB's friend "Hans Roaming" had infiltrated the Mining Coalition, so I decided to ask him some pressing questions regarding his successful penetration of that particular organisation:

It would appear that the grappling hands of the MGRL had found their way into the pockets of many organisations throughout EVE, and that the very head of the Mercenary Coalition herself, was a rampant gender-bender!

I fell to the floor of my shuttle in total shock...

As I approached the gate to 9UY, an attacker deftly slipped in through the back passage and assaulted me...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 055 - War Party (Part 1)

2006-09-24T22:11:00.000+01:00

War Party (Part 1)

As I sipped on my sparkling chianti with a hint of zesty lemon, I recalled that I had received several communications informing me of a vicious and crushing conflict that was taking place just 4 jumps south of empire space, in the heroic system 9UY4-H.

The system in question was owned by a group called "Ushra Khan", who I had been informed were "role-players" and were neutral towards all people who weren't Amarr...

Ushra Khan only owned one station in the game, and it was therefore very unfortunate for them that their home was being bitterly besieged.

They had enlisted the help of ISS, who I still needed to speak to about building a n00b haven in 0.0, and I had been informed that ISS were currently in 9UY4-H to help defend Ushra Khan from numerous rampant attackers of the most malicious order.

I also recalled that I owed a drink to a pilot who went by the name of "Smagd", and I had heard that he often frequented this particular station too. If I could just find a way to get to 9UY4-H with a designer beverage, I would be able to kill all three birds with one stone.

To my disappointment, every route I attempted to plot south from Heild involved a system of 0.5 security or higher.

Not wishing to go east into Great Wildlands and then south through Curse again, I decided to use my jump-clone in ASCN space for the very first time, and to pick up a bottle of their finest luxury Bollinger champagne while I was there, before then heading north to have a party with Smagd in the warzone, whilst learning from ISS about how to build a station...

A great sense of happiness overcame me once more, as I looked around to see my old friends in the love shack. Memories of those pleasant back-rubs and upper-class truffle hunt evenings came flooding back to me, and I suddenly had the urge to hop into the ASCN jacuzzi to apply a leg waxing strip to my moustache.

Fortunately for me, my old friend Suzimo then started handing out luxury cigars and sweet-tasting drinks, which promptly triggered the memory of the very reason I was there in the first place:

I was also given a buxom exotic dancer and quickly loaded both into my shuttle. I had been informed that the war was gathering pace, and like an athlete who had missed the beginning of his race by several hours, I was now running extremely late...

However, just as I was about to leave, and as is always the case when I am relaxing in the shamefully decadent systems of ASCN, I was casually invited to a secret location to inspect a 14-billion isk mothership...

I was informed that this gallant vessel was one of the rarest in the game, and that not many of these wonders existed.

The major alliances in EVE only had a few of these each, and some alliances only had one. I raised my hand in a stiff military salute to indicate my approval, and I then finally managed to begin my 33-jump journey northwards.

One jump later, this happened:

I had flown straight into a nasty and demoralising gate-camp.

What a disaster!

Within no time at all, they had mercilessly destroyed my shuttle and I was devastated to read the kill-mail, which stated that both the exotic dancer, and the little bottle of spiced wines that I was transporting to my friend had been violently destroyed.

I was absolutely livid:

I was so annoyed by this that I almost got out of my pod to walk up to him and smack him in the face.

However, I was pleased that I decided against this course of action, because I then realised that I was in space and there was no air....

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 054 - A Den Of Stinking Evil (Part 2)

2006-09-23T03:37:00.000+01:00

A Den Of Stinking Evil (Part 2)

I was absolutely livid with these rabid punks.

Why was it necessary to sit there for hours on end, getting high on various unmentionable narcotics, and brutally and bitterly podding those poor n00bs who were haplessly wandering through the jumpgates?

I could not even begin to fathom the depths of filth and depravity that these low-life residents of the back alleys of empire were stooping to.

I wondered if the hope and joy that had been in the world had just been sucked out of my field of vision, like a man who had been blind from birth suddenly regaining his sight, only to find that it was 2AM and he hadn't changed his lightbulbs in 28 years...

However, and to my total astonishment, these bitter vagrants were more than happy to reveal tactical information regarding how poor and defenseless n00bs could avoid their excruciating gatecamps:

My faith in humanity, not entirely unlike a recently cleaned classic Renaissance painting about to have a can of Pepsi poured over it, had been temporarily restored. As I had discovered through most of my journey in EVE, the people who seemed the most evil, and the most fearsome, were often more than willing to help, if one just took the time to speak to them.

From this point onwards, whenever I saw that flashing red light of doom on my overview, I would always be mindful that the killer sitting at the other end was a very sweet and lovely person...

Some time later, as I sipped a cool and refreshing pineapple cordial, I was invited into a thrilling private chat with one of the local low-lifes, who went by the name of "DaMiGe" and was surprisingly very friendly and helpful.

My conversation with DaMiGe reinforced my belief that many of the people who stalk the low and no security systems in search of "prey" do actually abide by certain codes of honour.

It would seem that the killers of EVE mostly played by moral rules, and were often more than happy to show respect, if they were shown the same respect in return (whilst they are mercilessly blowing your ship to smithereens)

We began to discuss my dream of building a n00b nursery in 0.0 and DaMiGe came up with an intriguing idea that would be cheap to implement and would give me an indication of just how possible it would be to defend an outpost, should the dream ever become reality:

It was an excellent suggestion.

If I could band together a group of fighters and attempt to maintain control of a random system on the map, then it would serve as useful experience of just how difficult it would be to defend a structure.

Like a glamorous stage magician, DaMiGe was then joined by his assistant, and began to teach me about one of the EVE alliances:

I had only heard fleeting references to "RED" during my travels, but it would appear that they mostly consisted of Russians and had recently taken a substantial kicking in the nether regions.

I decided that I would visit their territory at some point later on, and like a child opening a Babushka doll, would gradually peel off layer after layer of their history.

Unfortunately, Damige's lovely assistant then jumped into Heild, and was promptly podded by the two -10 pirates who were still camping the gate:

I wasn't quite sure if this was an outrage, or some kind of sweet poetic justice amongst thieves.

A short time later, I received a detailed evemail from a mentally imbalanced psycho who wanted all of my money, so I decided to reply with my own proposition of financial embezzlement:

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 053 - A Den Of Stinking Evil (Part 1)

2006-09-22T19:15:00.000+01:00

A Den Of Stinking Evil (Part 1)

After considering the exciting shuttle production empire idea for a while, I decided to speak with some of the locals in Heild, in order to discover more about the kind of activities that take place in these low security systems on the fringes of Empire space.

I started to click on the players and was disturbed to see this:

I was apparently in the company of a bible-thumping zealot yet again. My first two poddings of my adventure had been at the hands of his organisation and I wondered if they were about to go for the hat-trick.

However, to my pleasant surprise, he turned out to be a very nice and genuinely helpful pilot, and we ended up having a cup of Earl Grey tea and an enjoyable chat. I reminded myself not to be so quick to judge people again in future.

Perhaps the Arrow Project weren't that bad after all...

I then began to talk with a pilot called Alandre Sessine, who enquired as to why it was that I was hanging around in this fuming "0.3 security" junk-heap of a solar system:

The more time I spent in Heild, the more I despised it. It was one of those sorts of areas that people deliberately take 3 buses to avoid at night, through the fear of being jumped by drugged up smack addicts, hookers and invitations to be driven home in illegal unlicensed mini-cabs...

I hated contraband activities and I resolutely swore blind, there and then, on my beating heart, that I would absolutely not invest my shareholders' valuable funds in anything at all that even so much as hinted at being vaguely prohibited.

A pirate called Kelron helpfully suggested a more noble use for my funds:

It was an intrguing proposition. Perhaps I was destined to become the gambling king of EVE, amassing a bulging galactic fortune through encouraging young pilots to spend their hard earned proceeds of mineral refinement on wild and exciting dog-fights.

It was certainly a unique and entertaining idea.

Over the next hour, and as I was observing the ebb and flow of the names in Local, the realisation dawned on me of just how much of a rubbish tip this backend system in the desolate wasteland of the "Molden Heath" region actually was:

I had never, not once, in my entire adventure, seen a pilot with the worst possible security rating of -10, and I now found myself looking at two of the menacing brutes.

Naturally, I was curious as to the character of such people and decided that I would find out some more about just what exactly it was, that was required to become a total outlaw, despised by every loving carebear:

It would seem that she had not set out with the intent of causing misery and destruction at all, but in fact had been a pacifist who had sadly strayed from the fluffy clouds, due to that age-old destroyer of all achievement:

Boredom

During the next few hours I got to watch how these -10 pirates went about their business. Essentially, they would construct a gate-camp in a radius of approximately 120km around the jumpgate, and would all simultaneously target and obliterate an unsuspecting traveller as soon as they came through.

The easiest targets are players in "tech 1" haulers, which typically have less than a thousand "hit points" in total, and can be quickly taken out by several fearsome battleships firing at them in unison, before they have the chance to warp away...

What a den of stinking evil!

However, a few minutes later, a surprising development occurred that was set to rekindle my desperately dwindling faith in the fabric of humanity...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 052 - The Wheels Of Industry

2006-09-21T18:38:00.000+01:00

The Wheels Of Industry

I had enjoyed the company of Podee in the same way that a prisoner of war enjoys having wooden splinters rammed up his fingernails, and I had been glitteringly regaled by her tales of self-mutilation.

However, our new found friendship appeared not to have deterred her from fervently waiting to bring about my bitter and chilling death.

The discussion turned to what I could achieve with the vast fortune I was rapidly accumulating, and Podee suggested that I should go into the business of either reselling, or of manufacturing, in an area that is very close to my heart, and has formed a major part of my thrilling adventure:

I was astounded. Up until now I had always relied on others to supply me with my much needed shuttles. In some places I had paid truly extortionate amounts of money to acquire them and had never really stopped to consider the vast fortunes that were being forged behind the scenes by these unscrupulous vendors of overpriced miniature transportation devices.

I wondered just how many millions I had shelled out on shuttles during my adventure, and as the fury and violence built inside of me at the revelation that I had been viciously ripped off many times, I vowed there and then that I would start to build my own fleet of these vessels, and would liberate n00bs throughout the universe from this rampant and choking shuttle oppression.

I opened the mystical looking blueprint and stared at it in awe and wonder:

According to the document, all I needed to do was to acquire 3375 units of tritanium.....

.....to install a "job" at the station:

....and then my work was done.

The entire process took 90 minutes to complete, and at the end of it I was staring down at a brand new shuttle. To me this was a truly monumental achievement because for the very first time I had stepped up from being a consumer to being a producer.

I could feel the wheels of industry turning in my mind, and wondered if this event was to herald the beginning of a new career of financial dominance in the manufacture and distribution of glorious shuttles.

I hoped my shareholders would be excited.

While I was inspecting the result of my manufacturing job, to see if the resultant product was more defiantly defective than a dyslexic detective (*after thinking this I vowed to try thinking it the next time I was drunk), we began to discuss the areas of the map that Podee had wrought her own carnage and destruction upon:

I looked at my wallet and did some calculations.

My manufacturing job had cost me a total of 10,250 isk to produce a shuttle. However, the price of shuttles in this station was 9,000 isk. It would appear that as a n00b I was highly inefficient at this activity.

However, if I were to sell these shuttles in 0.0, I knew of many places where they would easily fetch 300k.

Perhaps this was my first ticket to corporate riches for my shareholders. I decided that I would do some more investigation into this area once my IPO had closed.

Some time later, I eventually agreed to let Podee complete her mission by dispatching me with a crushing but hearty pop:

It was then that I was very unexpectedly begged to agree to a duel by a testosterone filled street-urchin who lived in the rabid hell hole slums where I had placed my swish Ikea designer office:

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 051 - Peas In A Pod (Part 2)

2006-09-20T15:03:00.000+01:00

Peas In A Pod (Part 2)

I began to wonder if I was about to be held hostage once more, as had happened in that glorious region called Stain.

Podee was clearly a woman on a serious mission, and was absolutely hell-bent on bringing about my downfall. I knew from experience that when a pilot wanted something so very badly, that they resolutely refused to let anyone stand in their way, the universe would always be sure to happily agree to their demands.

I suspected that my excruciating podding was imminent......

However, having recently become a wealthy CEO of a corporation that did less than the world's laziest man chopped into a million pieces, mixed with the result of an American factory foreman of a plastic alphabet toy factory instructing a member of staff to place the last letter of the alphabet at the end of a row on a conveyor belt ("lay Z"), reassembled into a man called Lazy Laze, and then used to create a three-part collector's edition box set of word-play superheroes with his loyal friends Strongy Strong and Tighty Tight, I was beginning to develop more of an ever-stronger sense of self-identity than a boisterously overconfident man who had accidentally superglued an oversized "glow-in-the-dark" mirror to his face...

Maybe I would decide to deny her the chance to pod me:

It would appear that Podee's Modus Operandi was to traverse the universe in order to fiercely annoy and incite as many pilots as possible into raising arms against her, in a hostile act of carnage-filled retribution.

She had become highly skilled at this art of inflammatory pod combustion and a short time later I bore shocking witness to her ability to ragingly agitate and infuriate:

Despite our valiant attempts to bring about our simultaneous destruction, xroxor resolutely refused to become embroiled in it.

It would seem that a lot of these residents of the outer fringes of empire were 0.0 wannabes who had not yet struck up the guts and courage to move out with the big boys...

They were quick to shoot their mouths off, but were very slow to follow the verbal abuse up with any kind of concrete action. I sat back and sipped on my Moccacino for a while and chuckled at his false bravado.

According to my map, I was now in the south-eastern section of empire:

I had been informed that the ISS people (whom I had not yet googled) were involved in a huge war that was taking place in 9UY4-H and I decided that I would head down there in a few days to seek their advice regarding the construction of a n00b outpost, whilst dodging nuclear warheads and evading malfunctioning grenades of the most vicious variety.

Just as I was planning how to avoid being podded by podee, I was unexpectedly contacted by a pilot who had heard of my IPO and eagerly wanted to make an investment:

Suffice to say, this particular investor decided to place his funds elsewhere. I was pleased by this because he was exactly the sort of person I did not want investing in INNOMINATE NEUTRALITY.

I would resolutely not be restrained by executive shackles.

Despite my corporate purse now becoming larger than an opera-singer's derriere, I resolved to maintain the care-free and fun attitude that had pervaded my adventure thus far, so I was extremely pleased that I had deterred him.

I was considering closing my IPO this Friday, so I decided that I would check my wallet to see the new list of shareholders from the past 48 hours, and would then set about dealing with Podee...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 050 - Peas In A Pod (Part 1)

2006-09-19T15:35:00.000+01:00

Peas In A Pod (Part 1)

I forcefully resolved to cast asunder the feelings I still held for Missytrex.

Part of this horrid emotional quagmire had stemmed from the guilt I had invariably felt at having engaged in lusty romps behind her back with the young strumpet Frivolous.

It was then that I was contacted by a pilot called Alekseyev, who wanted to offer me some very helpful advice on how to learn more about constructing a stunning and mystifying station in 0.0.

I had spent the night thinking about this exciting subject and was now becoming severely convinced that just maybe I could change the face of EVE for the better by creating a virtual paradise where n00bs could revel and relax in luxury and joy.

Various people had told me that it is hard for a n00b to go to 0.0 without being in an alliance. Maybe I would become the pioneer who would change that and open up a safe haven.

I laughed after thinking this because I realised that a few days ago my major thoughts had been about trivial matters such as where to buy my next shuttle from, and all of a sudden I now found myself researching the technicalities of creating a station.

What a bewildering place, this enthralling world of EVE...

I asked Alekseyev if he knew of any specialists that I could speak to:

The "ISS" had been mentioned to me many times in the past by other pilots during my journey. I also knew that they were liked by my friends in ASCN, so it would seem to be a prudent place to visit to gather more information about just how feasible this wild and crazy idea would actually be to implement.

I was somewhat concerned that even if I did manage to somehow build a station, it could easily be taken away by rampaging murderous scoundrels. However, I had been privy to some top secret information that I was sure could avert that very thing happening:

It would appear that the viking Gods of EVE were able to enforce ceasefires! The joy I expressed at this discovery was truly unsurpassed!

All I need to do now was to go to the babelfish website and learn the Icelandic for "enact a ceasefire while I build an outpost" and my problems would all wash away like driftwood from a shipwreck being pulled by the tumultuous currents of the waters.

A few days previously, I had been contacted by a pilot who went by the name of Phyrr, who had given me some fantastic information that, at the time, was utterly irrelevant and meaningless:

He had provided me with a link to the bio of a pilot who was called "Podee" and whose sole purpose was to get podded as many times as is humanly (or inhumanly) possible:

Despite the fact that her bio stated that she wanted to hunt me down, I couldn't help but admire her insane commitment to the relentless orchestration and statistical tabulation of her own deaths.

Earlier in my adventure I had also sought out my own podding, by launching a kamikaze smacktalking mission up in the north, so it was only natural that I felt a great affinity with this mysterious and macabre pilot.

However, she had very clearly and publically stated that she was intent on bringing about my bitter downfall, so I resolved that I would do my utmost to avoid her.

I finally podded myself outside the Mercenary Coalition HQ and moved my clone to Heild. My IPO was still open and I was just about to sit down in my corporate office to check the list of new shareholders who had come on board since yesterday, when I noticed this:

Podee had hunted me down and was camping the station...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 049 - A Dream Come True

2006-09-18T17:07:00.000+01:00

A Dream Come True

I sat alone in the Mercenary Coalition headquarters and began to ponder over the crazy events that this strange and unusual universe had thrown at me during the past three days.

For some inexplicable reason I had suddenly become a wealthy CEO and I had immediately felt the overwhelming urge to squeeze hard on an executive stress toy.

My corporation's office had been created at an educational establishment in 0.3 security space when I was heading south, and I recalled that it had mirrored a vulgar inner city school, filled with all kinds of ruthless and abusive young pilots.

Nonetheless, I decided that I would soon move my medical clone there for a few days, so that I could take a look at the base of my new corporate empire.

I wasn't really too concerned that Heild was filled with dark and evil bone-crunching demon pilots intent on causing mayhem and misery, because I was now in a financial position to hire a team of hardened geologist mercenaries to swat them like the flies they were.

After thinking the above, I had felt slightly guilty, and I began to wonder if this abusive thought-process was a result of my new found riches. I sincerely hoped not, and quickly turned my thoughts to fluffy bunny rabbits and cute little kittens.

During the course of my journey, many pilots had informed me that low security space is considered to be more dangerous than 0.0. Staying in Heild for a few days and exploring the surrounding systems would serve as a useful way to put this theory to the test.

I had been putting off looking at my wallet and evemail, both of which had been constantly flashing, because I had been truly scared to see just how rich I now was.

Eventually, I managed to muster the courage to peek, and my jaw hit the floor faster than the customers caught up in a bank-raid when I saw that the shares were still being snapped up faster than a man trapped in the jaws of a crocodile:

This was truly a dream come true and I almost burst into tears at the thought of this most monumental of achievements. I tried to calm my nerves and to figure out what exactly this mysterious force was that I had been able to harness to attract such staggering wealth so quickly.

From a clueless nobody n00b who had stepped into the world with only a shuttle and a basic miner, I had been chased and shot at all over the universe and now incredibly found myself to be officially a billionaire with friends in high places and a network of people who wanted to help and support me in my adventures.

I felt extremely humbled and was very grateful for the astonishing level of backing that people had given to my microscopically miniscule little corporation.

It was certainly true to say that the more I played of EVE, the more I had come to love it. I had felt that wondrous mixture of bitterness and disappointment, combined with joy and happiness, that had blended every facet of this wild and crazy universe into a dynamic and rich experience that left me with a great sense of achievement, but yearning to do even more.

Several pilots had begun to send me evemails, filled with suggestions on how to invest my new-found riches.

One particular idea was very appealing:

I wondered just how much it would cost to do this. I liked the idea of being the forefather of a legion of 0.0 n00bs, free to live in luxury and wanton abandon in the illustrious fields of that fabled ore mercoxit. I vowed to myself that I would further explore this excellent suggestion.

I noticed I had also unexpectedly been contacted by my jezebel of an ex-girlfriend, who had smelled my cash and suddenly decided to declare that she wanted me back:

I knew she was only after my money but I missed her...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 048 - Rites Of Passage

2006-09-17T13:36:00.000+01:00

Rites Of Passage

I gently sat back in my pod and considered the events that had led to where I was today.

The beginning of my adventure was still quite fresh in my mind, and had begun with me heading in a random direction to the north and encountering the reckless minions of Emilio Estevez, who had mercilessly chased me all over the Venal region.

The Mining Coalition were currently away on business, but before they had left, I had learned that they were not as neutral as they had made out:

Before they had departed to enact their next secret excavation contract, I had had the pleasure of being shot at from a very far distance by one of their fearless miners.

Ikvar had invited me to be accosted from 230km. Previously in my adventure, I had been bitterly attacked by a battleship from a distance of 190km and I had been very impressed with this range.

Having the chance to now be brutally podded from 230km was a mouth-wateringly exciting prospect indeed, so I had quickly jumped at the opportunity and was amazed to see that he was able to destroy my shuttle in one quick and painless hit.

After being obliterated into a billion pieces, I had then been informed that maximum range was, in fact, an incredulous 249km...

A truly astonishing distance.

My thoughts returned to the present and I observed that 48 hours had now passed since I had launched the incredible IPO for my corporation INNOMINATE NEUTRALITY.

Not entirely unlike two newly discovered chemicals meeting for the very first time, my IPO had prompted some very interesting reactions. I paused for a moment to analyse the consequences of my new career as the CEO of a multinational corporation that proudly produced nothing.

I had received in excess of 100 evemails as a result of announcing the equity release, and every single one had been complimentary and encouraging of my first foray into the economic side of EVE.

Nonetheless, a few pilots had felt disenchanted by my new interest in corporate activities, and had expressed this disappointment via other channels. It was extremely fascinating to see how different people can view the same events in differing ways, and this reinforced my belief that in many ways the EVE universe is a reflection of real life.

During the course of my journey thus far I had always been happy to receive brutal criticism as well as outrageous flattery, and I wondered in what ways the fact that I was now a well-heeled CEO would affect my image.

I still felt like that wide-eyed n00b who had stepped into the world with an exciting sense of adventure, but was I still that same youthful adventurer? Perhaps I was passing through a rite of passage and found that I was once a boy, now growing through experience into a man, to proudly stake my claim on a piece of this bewildering plane of existence.

Would I succumb to the evils of money and one day look in the mirror to see a megalomaniac coin-hoarder staring back at me and hell bent on the accumulation of isk? Or would the experience benefit me by opening up more opportunities than I ever could have dreamt of, to explore the wondrous world of EVE even further? Only time would tell...

I looked at the extensive list of my new shareholders and was truly amazed at just how much my fellow EVE pilots had wanted to support me, by investing in a corporation that did not yet have a single business plan.

Shareholders

The IPO was still open and I wondered just how much would be raised by the time it closed. In my mind, I was still merely a man in a shuttle, but I now found myself with a balance rapidly approaching one billion isk.

It was then that I came up with my very first idea to generate a whopping fortune for my shareholders...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 047 - Share And Share Alike

2006-09-15T13:42:00.000+01:00

Share And Share Alike

Some time later, I undocked from the station, ejected from my ship, and flew around for a while in my pod, to desperately try to clear my mind.

I had truly begun to fear that I was losing my marbles, because when I had attempted to stop my pod, the text that appeared at the top of the list of options had read as follows:

I wallowed some more in my sadness at the depressing events that had transpired in the past few days. However, a few moments later my thoughts turned to a subject that I believed would become a glimmer of hope on a dark horizon of depression and gloom.

As a result of my interview with the EVE tribune, a lot of people had started requesting shares in my neutral fence-sitting corporation INNOMINATE NEUTRALITY.

This was an intriguing development and was something that would allow me to start exploring the financial side of the EVE universe.

Until now I had only flown around in a clueless manner, engaging in wild physical adventures and escapades. I had not given thought to financial adventures, even though they are a large part of the game for many players.

I liked the idea of becoming a wealthy money man, generating vast fortunes for myself and my investors, and I envisaged myself walking down the streets of Stain in a suave and sophisticated Gieves & Hawkes tailored suit.

It was then that I set about coming up with a plan that would potentially change the very course of my adventure for the better...

I excitedly opened up my corp tab and submitted a request to issue 9,001 new shares, bringing the total amount of shares in INNOMINATE NEUTRALITY to 10,001.

I then decided that 5,001 of these shares would be retained by myself, and the other 5,000 would be available for my fellow EVE pilots to purchase.

I concluded that a base price of 1 million isk per share would be the perfect amount, and would value the amount of stock available to the public at a mere 5 billion isk.

That way I would only attract investors who were either happy with investing in a company that currently did nothing, or wanted shares just as a souvenir of my experiment.

I was mindful of the fact that my company was nothing more than a simple cash shell. However, I knew that shares in cash shells in real life often traded successfully, so they should easily be able to do so in EVE too.

I decided that as an incentive, I would offer bonus shares to investors making bulk purchases, according to the following schedule:

Bonus Schedule

20+ shares: Bonus award of 1 share

50+ shares: Bonus award of 3 shares

100+ shares: Bonus award of 8 shares

200+ shares: Bonus award of 18 shares

500+ shares: Bonus award of 50 shares

1000+ shares: Bonus award of 150 shares

I concluded that the easiest way for my fellow pilots to invest would be to directly send me the isk, followed by an Evemail entitled "SHARE PURCHASE", stating the amount that had been sent.

I once more felt a sense of great excitement overcoming me, like had happened at the very beginning of my adventure. This was the dawning of a new chapter in my EVE experience and I wondered how these new and exciting events would start to unfold.

Perhaps this was my chance to put some desperately needed good karma back into the universe.

My mind was already racing with astoundingly exciting ideas for how to generate a vast profit, but I decided that rather than setting up expectations, it would be better to sell the shares with no guarantees of any return, and absolutely no promises on how the money would be spent.

With all this decided, my share issue was now officially live, and all I needed to do was to sit back, sip a Bacardi & Coke and excitedly wait for the orders to roll in faster than an obese man being pushed down a very slippery hill...

(to be continued...)

Addendum: The share issue is now officially live and if you would like to acquire some and have any questions regarding this process, post them in the "Comments" section of this post and I will endeavour to provide assistance.

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 046 - Jerry Springer

2006-09-14T16:13:00.000+01:00

Jerry Springer

The fact that the two pilots who I had brutally podded had welcomed their own killings, due to a strong need to instantaneously teleport to the stations where their clones were based, was entirely co-incidental.

I was sure that such a trivial fact had had absolutely no bearing whatsoever on the chilling success of my crushing Ibis rampage...

Like a returning runaway train, I frantically headed back to the station, with the spilled blood of three pilots now drenching me in a torrential storm of sadness.

I had reached such new lows, and words of my criminal acts had spread so far and wide, that the very station itself would not even let me dock:

After waiting for another agonising nine seconds I was finally able to park my ship and I began to listen to a fascinating conversation that was taking place in Local, regarding the constitution of a delicious swedish cake.

I was directed to the following vital information:

It would seem that when these brave mercenaries were taking a break from mining, they would excitedly exchange cookery tips with each other to pass the time until the asteroids respawned...

It was at that moment, that one of the mercenaries whom I had become friends with during my time here, decided to spontaneously start singing to me:

I wondered if it was them or me that was slowly turning loopier than a double helix, sitting in a carriage inside a miniature loop-the-loop rollercoaster and going around a massive vertical bend. Clearly the pressure of my "recent acts of aggression" was getting to me.

I found the anger and rage building inside of me yet again:

I quickly closed my eyes faster than a teenager walking into the bathroom and seeing his naked grandmother in the shower, and I desperately tried to regain my sense of austere composure.

Some time later I struck up a conversation with another of the leaders of the Mercenary Coalition, who went by the name of Mecenary Empress. I now wish I hadn't begun this discussion because it was this event that led to me making a truly soul-shattering discovery:

I had made the scandalous discovery that my girlfriend Missytrex was having an affair with another man. She had been rampantly cheating on me behind my back, the whole time I had been having a lusty affair with Frivolous!

I felt like I was one of the lead characters in a ridiculous scene out of the Jerry Springer show, entitled "You holler dat you iz ma man but I iz here to tell you dat I iz cheetin' on yoo coz u iz a low down playa balla cheatin' on mee, dawg!"

I was absolutely outraged at this heinous revelation:

I began to wonder just how long this illicit affair had been carrying on for. Perhaps it was the case that she had been "playing me" all along and did not have a vast fortune to bequeath to me at all.

I suspected that this Missytrex was a lot more intelligent than she had let on, and that I had been part of a deep and sinister ploy to achieve something shocking that I had not yet managed to work out.

It is said that whatever you put out into the universe always comes back to you, as proof of the inherent laws of duality and polarity that subtly guide our fates and destinies behind the scenes.

Our relationship was officially over and I sorely wished I had never started it in the first place. I held my head in my hands and bemoaned my own stupidity.

I was rapidly beginning to lose my mind and desperately needed to find a way of reversing the bad Karma that I had created...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 045- Falling Down

2006-09-13T14:50:00.000+01:00

Falling Down

The ramifications of my violent act of destruction washed over me like a great barrage of waves, relentless, pounding, crashing and smashing into my memories like a crate of bricks being dropped from a high height and relentlessly pounding on my fragile sanity.

I stared down at the items I had looted from Jessica's destroyed vessel:

Was it really worth it? To cause such pain and misery for a few meaningless trinkets that would soon long be forgotten.

The memory of Jessica, however, would not...

I wiped the blood from my hands and flew back to the station, wondering why it was that every time I docked at one of these mercenary places, a box popped up on the screen demanding money.

It was most peculiar:

In an instant, my calmness and sadness had dissipated and I once again felt the rage building inside of me like a shaken bottle of Coca-Cola on the verge of bursting. I felt like Spock from Star Trek, desperately trying to control my emotions, as the anger and hatred at the world around me swelled more and more into an all-consuming bubble of poison.

A minute later and I could not take it any longer. The venom inside of me boiled over and I suddenly found myself aiming my guns at anyone and everyone who so much as crossed my path. I had destroyed my first ship, so why not do another? Why not sink into an endless cycle of destruction?

The rage overcame me, and like Michael Douglas in the classic film Falling Down, I exploded in a volcano of hatred. I did not care any more and mercilessly opened fire on a unsuspecting Mercenary Coalition captain:

I was about to inflict my first brutal podding upon another pilot and the fury and the rage and the fury and the raaaaaage was building and rising and building and riiiiiiiiiising.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR" - I screamed, my lungs channeling the air around me as fast as they could.

In a microsecond I found myself sitting there with my veins furiously pumping, sweat streaming and cascading down my face, as I bitterly and brutally podded that motherf***ing b**tard:

One was not enough!

I needed moooooooooooooooooooore!

Moaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!

GIVE ME MORE! - I shouted, in a very evil manner.

The desire for carnage and revenge was overwhelming me. This was retribution for all those nasty attacks and bitter onslaughts I had continually suffered throughout my journey.

I had tried my best to be polite and nice, but I had now been reduced to the basest, lowest of common denominators and I just did not care any more.

A man in a shuttle had just evolved into a deadly killer with one serious attitude.

I aimed my gun at yet ANOTHER mercenary and horrifically let rip:

I sat back and laughed maniacally as the shrapnel from my compressed coil gun tore into his pod and I let out an infernal grin of satisfaction as my mercenary friend Squagel became Squishgel....

Just as I was about to find yet another victim to brutally pod, my evemail started to flash. I had been unexpectedly contacted by a journalist from the EVE tribune.

Her name was Kia Lotus and she wanted to interview me because she had heard that I was a really nice and helpful n00b who was always pleasant and did his best for others. How ironic.

My guilt began to overwhelm me and I lied my way through the most difficult interview I had ever given.

I was overcome with sorrow as I wondered what else this bitter-sweet EVE universe would throw at me next.

LINK TO INTERVIEW

(to be continued.....)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 044 - The Longest Journey (Part 3)

2006-09-12T08:38:00.000+01:00

The Longest Journey (Part 3)

I had enjoyed my time with the Mining Coalition but it was becoming increasingly unlikely that my plans for murder would come to fruition. I had even gone so far as to desperately submit an official contract on their Field Geology website:

Out of annoyance I decided to tease my compatriots a bit:

My conscience was playing on me more than a miniature orchestra balanced on my stomach, and I began to have second thoughts about the idea of engineering Missy's macabre downfall.

I decided to seek some advice from a random person:

It was at that moment that the culmination to the events of my longest of days began.

A woman called "Jessica Serrato" suddenly burst into the system where the rock collectors were based, shouted "Yaaaaar", and then proceeded to announce that she was intending to cause utter mayhem and destruction by launching a relentless onslaught against us all:

Squagel's words resonated and rebounded in my head like forty-nine lottery balls spinning and bouncing and cascading in a machine that sucked the life and soul out of poor people's incomes every week:

"Everyone has a price, Inno. Everyone has a price"

My new friends were apparently being violently and viciously assaulted in a staged charade of an attack by the evil Jessica, who was clearly their friend and had been asked to do this purely for my benefit...

They were desperately wanting to enlist me to stave off the horrific hoax by this merciless vixen. Surely I could not compromise my neutrality by willingly opening fire on her. I decided to resolutely remain strong and vowed not to waver in my steadfast righteousness:

I had declined the humungous sum of 500 million isk and beads of sweat were rapidly forming on my brow, as my brain began to process the consequences of this mighty refusal.

All of a sudden, a switch suddenly flicked, deep inside the abyss of my mind, and the impulse to kill overwhelmed me. I informed my fellow pilots that I was going to ruthlessly train shield management to level 1 for 23 minutes, and would then fight.

Surprisingly, the monstrous assailant Jessica was more than happy to wait...

The training completed and I mercilessly grabbed the biggest and most deadly ship I could find, and armed myself with a fearsome 125mm compressed coil antimatter gun:

As I undocked, I saw that a cynosural field was open near to the station. I succeeded in putting the absolute fear of God into Jessica, by making it appear that I had just jumped into the system through the field, using my advanced "t3 Ibis Capital Ship":

Numerous other pilots quickly joined the gang and we began to hunt down this mean and rampant friend of theirs. A few minutes later, the target had been acquired and I found an unspeakable tumultuous fury building inside of me:

Within no time we had violently destroyed her cruiser and a surge of adrenalin pulsed through me. During my adventure thus far, I had never, not once, ever fired a single shot at another player.

I now found myself like Macbeth, with blood on my hands and wondering if I could ever return to being that innocent n00b I once was.

It had clearly been a contrived attacked, but for some reason this did not matter. The experience had forever changed me and I was fearful of the monster that I had now shockingly become...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 043 - The Longest Journey (Part 2)

2006-09-11T00:11:00.000+01:00

The Longest Journey (Part 2)

The thrilling carrier fight was eventually hailed as a glorious draw, due to the fact that neither ship could break the other's "tank".

As they warped back to the station I observed that the fighter drones were still with me in the asteroid belt, but were no longer attacking. I was staring at a billion isk worth of equipment and all I needed to do was to scoop them up and flee to the nearest gate, to retire in a life of magnificent luxury and decadence...

However, being merely a man in a shuttle on a wild adventure, I did not have the need, nor the desire to commit a shocking act of theft just yet, not even for a billion isk, and especially not from a group of commando miners, (one of whom is called War Bear and wears a muddy thong) so I very quickly decided against the whole idea.

*The fact that my shuttle could only hold 10 m3 of cargo had absolutely no bearing on this decision whatsoever...

After we had returned and docked I continued in my conversation with Neurotic Cat and the topic moved on to the very early days of EVE. He had been around since close to when the game had launched and I was extremely interested to hear his opinions on how things had evolved over the past three years:

It was not known who had created the first ever man-made station and I resolved that I would make an effort to find out the name of this noble forefather who had erected the very first base.

Surely the name of such a brilliant erector should be forevermore emblazoned in the minds of every EVE pilot, in a manner not entirely dissimilar to the emblazonment of the image of Monica Lewinsky kneeling in the oval office before an entirely different type of erector.

After expelling these horrific images of presidential fellatio from my brain, my thoughts turned once more to Missy and I decided that now was the time to try to achieve point #6 on my list:

This was more disastrous than attempting to play the piano with your toes, without being in the presence of a piano, and after having just had extensive toe-removal surgery.

It was that disastrous.....

In fact it was so disastrous that if an attempt was made to measure this shocking disaster, a whole new scale of disaster-measurement would need to be created. If these valiant freedom fighters wouldn't help me then who could?

I looked at my map out of utter desperation:

Suddenly, a beam of light came shining down from the end of a very long and foreboding tunnel, in a magnificent display of joy, as it was revealed to me that there existed an organisation who just might be willing to carry out my dastardly plan:

I made a note of the name of this group in my journal and began to wonder if I would ever claim the humungous fortune that tantalisingly awaited me. I decided to give my co-ersion attempt one more try and considered that if I could get these mercenaries talking some more about their work, then I may just be able to persuade them to accept my proposed contract.

I further enquired about the mechanics of professional extinguishment:

It would seem that high-security space was not entirely secure. There were methods of circumnavigating the rules and horifically attacking people.

It further transpired that the majority of Mercenary Coaltion contracts actually took place in high-security empire space and that the objective was normally to disrupt the day to day operations of the alliance that they were hired to assault.

The events of my longest of days then continued to build towards their ultimate conclusion...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 042 - The Longest Journey (Part 1)

2006-09-10T04:03:00.000+01:00

The Longest Journey (Part 1)

As I sat chatting with my brave and righteous new mercenary friends, I was oblivious to the fact that the events that were to follow would forevermore change the very core of my experience in EVE, and were to constitute the longest 24 hours I had ever experienced in my short and adventure-filled n00b life.

The day began innocently enough, with a conversation about the history of the Mercenary Coalition, with a pilot called "Recluse XXX". I asked him some questions about the last heroic contract that his noble rock-collecting organisation had undertaken:

Clearly these people were indeed professionals, who honoured anonymity and respected their clients. I was beginning to like them more and more, and was starting to develop an understanding of how they worked. I was impressed.

A short time later, I struck up a conversation with one of the leaders of this alliance, who went by the name of Neurotic Cat. It would appear that Neurotic had formed one of the Mercenary Coalition member corporations some 2-3 years ago and had been a loyal crusader and leader ever since.

He asked me if I would like to see what they really did for a living:

The fact that I was being invited to an asteroid belt gave me some considerable cause for concern, and I sincerely prayed that I was not about to witness yet more vicious and evicerating mining. Surely there was a limit to the number of rocks that a group of fearless fighters could pummel of a morning...

A few moments later I arrived at the belt and was relieved to see that there were no ships mining out there at all.

I instead discovered something very different:

The reason there were no ships mining was because they were doing their mining in barges...

I began to wonder if this entire organisation was a fraud and if they had ever actually taken any "contracts" at all, other than the one they had to sign for the rental of the asteroid fields from the "Band Of Brothers" alliance...

It was then that I slapped myself harder than a bullet-point pen making contact with a sheet of Conqueror paper, and absolutely deservedly so, because my cynicism had then been shown to be entirely unfounded.

I finally got to see some hot 1-on-1 mercenary action:

I was suddenly witnessing my first ever "carrier fight" and it was indeed an event in which the outcome was more suspenseful than being suspensefully suspended in a pair of suspenders...

Neurotic Cat was having a hair-raising duel with his mercenary friend "Hygelac" and they were fiercely striking each other with fervent vim and gusto.

In a split second, a legion of nasty fighter drones were released, and for some inexplicable reason they started heading directly towards my small and defenceless little shuttle.

I naturally took this opportunity to ask some technical questions regarding the power grid of a carrier...

Amazingly, it would seem that I had discovered a truly great secret:

Shuttles are immune to fighter drones.

I sat there looking at literally over 1 billion isk worth of gruesome drones that were completely and humiliatingly unable to touch my tiny shuttle.

For just that one brief and fleeting moment, I had felt totally and utterly invincible.

I laughed as I noticed that my screen looked like I had suddenly been transported back in time and was standing in front of a classic 1980s arcade game:

It was then that the next series of intriguing events in my longest of days would begin to unfold...

(to be continued....)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 041 - Contract Killers

2006-09-09T04:08:00.000+01:00

Contract Killers

Earlier in my adventure, and in a random conversation that is now more obscure than a man who once knew someone who was related to the man who once walked past a man who had amnesia and couldn't remember the famous person he had once met, it had been mentioned to me that there existed in EVE an organisation of brave and fearless mercenaries, who were strictly neutral to every alliance, but would ruthlessly and horrifically attack anyone they had been hired to ravage and besiege.

I had been told that they were sophisticated and very highly skilled pilots, who were admired and respected, and that through their sheer determination and professional ruthlessness, their organisation "The Mercenary Coalition" had become one of the most feared alliances in EVE.

It was said that they would attack anyone for a price and showed absolutely no mercy when they did so.

It was then that my six-point plan to inherit Missy's fortune was hatched:

1) Get in touch with the Mercenary Coalition alliance.

2) Get them to make me "blue" to them.

3) Get them to invite me to their home.

4) Get them to let me install a clone at their headquarters.

5) Get them to become great friends with me.

6) Get them to help their new friend out by brutally podding Missy, free of charge.

A few hours later, and after having flown through a system where there were two people who were the same person...

...I found myself sitting back and relaxing as I sipped a chilled Martini with my great new friends, in their noble home at the Mercenary Coalition headquarters, where I had just been made blue and had installed my clone:

Easy Peasy. All I needed to do now was to get these professional killers to agree to brutally pod my girlfriend, so that I could elope with with my "bit on the side" Frivolous, to live a life of illicit lust in a dusty asteroid belt somewhere.

Naturally, and as is always the case with such things, I expected that the sixth item on my list was going to be substantially more difficult to achieve than the first five.

I decided to put off my assassination request until later in the evening and set about finding out what exactly it was that these big strong brutish mercenaries did.

Images were conjured up in my mind of a team of astonishing expert warriors, heroically rampaging through the enemy infested jungles of terror, in the deep dark recesses of the murky domain of an evil and corrupt regime, somewhere in the outer reaches of a desolate nowhere, in order to valiantly free the terrorised local residents from the overlord of darkness who mercilessly chained them in utter deprivation and misery.

I was sure that these guys were true heroes and couldn't wait to see them valiantly springing into action.

However, this is what I actually saw:

After having made this most shocking of discoveries, I decided that discretion was the better part of valour and vowed to myself that I would keep this quiet for at least two seconds.

However, 1.9 seconds later, and after having concluded that this situation was just far too funny to ignore, I changed my mind quicker than a brain-transplant surgeon performing a self-diagnosis, and decided to tease these violent mercenaries a bit more about their incredible secret rock fetish:

I then learned that the Mercenary Coalition consisted of four major corporations, and had several bosses. The chief went by the name of Seleene and was a feared and notorious killer, who I was informed would not hesitate to dock at the first sign of trouble.

Something alarmingly peculiar then happened, that was to change the very face of my adventure...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 040 - Hostage Crisis (Part 2)

2006-09-08T04:13:00.000+01:00

Hostage Crisis (Part 2)

I looked around and wondered how myself and my fellow hostage "Protecter" were going to get out of this tricky situation.

We were trapped in the station and Emilio's evil minions were prowling around outside, like brooding captors out of a terrifying classic hostage movie. No ideas were forthcoming about how to solve this, and Bruce Willis had not yet shown up, so I decided to ask my fellow hostage for his advice on the matter:

I would resolutely not be bullied by these scoundrels!

I had dealt with a large number of these quacks in the North and had even received an armed escort from one of their commanders "Lou Cypher", yet here they were, shamelessly holding on to me, tighter than a man with a birthmark in the shape of a tight triple-knot that had been tightened by a tight tightening device, condensed into a tight space, mixed with a discarded pair of tights, sent to the same DNA-reconfiguration lab as Strongy Strong, and finally reassembled into a man who was christened with the name "Tighty Tight"...

I swore that my resolve would not break under this pressure and decided that I would valiantly undock to see what happened. This turned out to be about as good an idea as swimming naked through a pool of mating hedgehogs, because I found myself instantly being webbered, warp scrambled and being ravagingly impaled to death by all manner of nefarious torture devices...

I quickly re-docked and grabbed my breath.

The fact that my clone was now here didn't seem to bother these boisterous vagabonds and they were clearly taking great pleasure in stalking me. I decided that the only way to resolve this situation was to issue a cunning challenge.

I informed them that I was going to randomly undock again at some point in the next 120 seconds, would warp away and then would warp back and attempt to re-dock and would leave it up to them to see if they could/would kill me. I figured that if I was going to be podded once more anyway then why not do it on my own terms?

Surprisingly, they agreed to this.

As I successfully flew away, I laughed at their utter stupidity. However, I then realised that I didn't actually have any plans to run away in the first place. I had moved my clone to this station because I wanted to base myself here for a while.

Having now come to this realisation, I decided that I may as well keep my end of the bargain after all, and I promptly flew back to find out if they would shoot quicker than Ron Jeremy on acid...

This was the result:

Well, I put up a brave face about the whole affair but inside I was absolutely livid with these thick brutes.

Clearly they had nothing better to do than to randomly attack innocent adventurers and I found myself suddenly wanting to go back to ASCN space to ease away the pain with a quick massage, mud bath, leg wax and some Dom Perignon 1964...

The resentment was building up inside of me and it quickly reached a fever pitch. A few seconds later, in what I can only describe as a massive tirade of abuse, I finally let them know exactly what I thought of them and how I was going to deal with it:

Once I had respawned at the station and bought my new clone, my thoughts turned to my dilemma with Frivolous and Missy. I suspected that Frivolous would not be able to pull off the assassination, and I began to worry that the vast assets I was due to inherit were slowly slipping from my fingers.

It was then that I came up with an ingenious six-point plan, designed to bring about Missy's horrific termination...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 039 - Hostage Crisis (Part 1)

2006-09-07T21:46:00.000+01:00

Hostage Crisis (Part 1)

I had just finished planning Missy's fiendish downfall with the woman I had begun an illicit affair with, and as I was flying further into the deep dark recesses of Stain I was shockingly and ruthlessly shot at by a dark assailant who went by the name of "Popiejopie":

It would seem that my luxurious pampering at the hands of ASCN was well and truly not going to be repeated in Stain. A vicious assault was launched on me and I desperately watched in a manner that showed I was more helpless than a man who was suffering from an intense medical condition that caused him to resolutely refuse all help.

I decided to use my usual weapon for such situations, which was to unexpectedly attempt to say something very surprising.

I had previously learned that saying "Wow, this is cool" was the magic phrase that caused 50 valiant soldiers to instantly stop firing. However, I decided that a one-on-one confrontation required a different phrase entirely.

After a few seconds of deliberation on what the magic words could be, I decided to combine three classic tricks of psychology:

The first mental trick was to laugh in order to indicate to my assailant that I was friendly, and to build familiarity and trust with him.

The second was to show him that I was helpless and defenceless and entirely at his mercy, conveniently giving him the opportunity to release me in a wondrous act of benevolence that would make him feel good about himself.

The third was to employ reverse-psychology by offering him the opportunity to ransom me, which would immediately show him I was poor and not worth ransoming.

This was the result:

There was huge satisfaction in defeating an opponent without firing a single gun and I sat down and joyously opened a can of Quafe to celebrate having avoided yet another nasty and merciless podding.

Little did Popiejopie know that I was about to bump off my girlfriend and inherit a vast fortune of the likes never before seen in EVE. He had missed the chance to ransom me for zillions.

I laughed and took a moment to study my map:

There were many stations to dock at in Stain, and it would appear that they were virtually all NPC citadels, which meant that I would be able to freely dock in a dazzling manner anywhere around here. It was then that I looked at Popiejopies bio and discovered that he was none other than an evil minion of Emilio Estevez:

What on earth were D2 doing in Stain? I had previously seem them in random raiding parties deep into ASCN space and wondered why their forces were currently hanging around this far to the south. Over the next hour or so I witnessed more and more D2 pilots and began to wonder if they were amassing a large force in order to attack ASCN...

Some time later, I logged back in and found yet more D2 pilots at the station. This time they were viciously and brutally attacking a pilot called "Protecter" and were showing him no mercy:

Protecter had been bitterly and swiftly destroyed and I decided to ask Emilio's minions what exactly it was that they were doing down here.

I was informed that they were fighting "The Genesis Fleet".

This was indeed news to me because I had never heard of them before and was unaware that Emilio was actively attacking these creators. It was then that I was harrowingly informed by a D2 henchman that, should I undock, I would be immediately shot at and destroyed.

There I sat, at a random station in Stain, being held hostage by Emilio's lackies, and wondering how on earth I would solve this enigmatic conundrum...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 038 - A Very Tempting Affair

2006-09-06T22:29:00.000+01:00

A Very Tempting Affair

When I had first arrived at ASCN space, I had become acquainted with one of the pilots who had been part of my noble and valiant armed escort:

Brunswick flew a battleship and regularly hired people to haul the loot that dropped from all the rats he frequently killed in the asteroid belts. He asked me if I would like to try this job out and I was more than happy to accept. The pay was 50% of all the bounties on the rats, plus a share of the wonderful loot.

While I was waiting for the first batch of rats to be pummelled by Brunswick, he took the opportunity to teach me some more about the history of ASCN:

I had never heard of Xetic, so this was useful information for me. I had trained Caldari Industrial to Level 3 and was able to now fly a Badger II hauler. Unfortunately, I subsequently discovered that collecting loot without a tractor beam is an incredibly slow process.

Brunswick had to fit one instead, because I did not have the science skill trained to level four yet. Nonetheless, we cleaned out three asteroid belts in a short period of time and at the end I had made 3 million isk in bounties, plus a big stash of loot:

I had now experienced three jobs in 0.0. My first was running a complex with Helen and my second was mining Crimson Arkonor. All three of these jobs were very profitable and I concluded that, of the three, the hauling job is probably the safest and best way for a n00b to start making money out here.

I was very glad that I had previously purchased the skill Infomorph Psychology because ASCN had let me install a jumpclone in the love shack, which meant that I could now instantly jump to that system to visit my new friends there whenever I wanted to.

I thanked Brunswick for his time and finally flew out of ASCN space for the first time since I had arrived here. I had developed a taste for caviar and champagne and I hoped that I would not miss it too much.

As I was flying through the first few systems in Stain, I was unexpectedly contacted by a stunning young wench, who went by the name of Frivolous:

Frivolous was a very forward woman who made it clear from the outset that she unequivocably was here to serve my every need and was prepared to ruthlessly pod my girlfriend Missy if it meant getting her hands on me. I was excited by the idea of having two women fight over me and took a moment to compare them both:

Frivolous was the younger, inexperienced and more attractive looking woman, but MissyTrex was the wiser, more knowledgable, wealthy goth with a large wallet to boot. I found myself struggling to come to a decision and it was then that I gave in to temptation and decided to encourage Frivolous to put her shocking suggestion into effect:

I was proposing that frivolous take her first n00b job as an assassin. It was an exciting idea and I indicated that if she could manage to pull it off, I would be willing give her 10% of Missy's vastly outrageous fortune.

Part of me felt very guilty about this plan but the lure of the mountain of cash was stronger than the world's strongest man chopped into a million pieces, mixed with steel, punched a thousand times by Mike Tyson, placed in an urn and prayed over by five hundred warrior monks, sent to a DNA re-configuration lab and then reassembled into a man who was christened with the name Strongy Strong.

My attention was suddenly snapped back to the present, as for the first time in ages I was ruthlessly being shot at by an evil vagabond...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 037 - Rubber Ball Come Bouncing Back To Me

2006-09-05T01:40:00.000+01:00

Rubber Ball Come Bouncing Back To Me

I began my long journey northwards from the bottom of the universe and slowly began to head towards the fabulous area called Stain. I wondered why the region was so named and considered that perhaps it was a reference to the many fallen heroes whose blood now stained the glorious battlefields.

Was I heading to an almighty warzone, to once again experience the joys of being podded? Or was I going to lazily relax, sipping margheritas and watching the fantastic sunsets in the distance?

I had previously spoken with a pilot called Origim, who had contacted me near to the beginning of my adventure, when I was living in the land of Emilio.

He had evemailed me a 5-page olympian story on why I was the "chosen one" and how I was destined to visit many landmarks in EVE in order to activate some kind of intergalactic summoning device that brought forth many great entities.

Naturally I was extremely perplexed, bamboozled, bufuddled and somewhat flummoxed by this unusual revelation. However, I was not deterred from investigating further because I am very regularly contacted by many complete nut-jobs and fruit-cakes who like saying extremely bizarre things to me, and amazingly I have actually learned a great deal from many of the wackos whom I have had the pleasure of speaking with...

Upon further questioning I then concluded that Origim and his friends were in fact not the cast of "One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest" but were actually seasoned "role-players" (although he denied this for the most part.)

It would seem that within the EVE universe there existed commnunities of pilots who regularly created stories and scenarios for themselves to take part in, purely for the fun and enjoyment of the occasion.

It was then that he contacted me once more and began to reveal one of the great secrets of EVE:

This was an astonishing revelation. A method had been discovered that enabled a pilot to travel faster than the combined speeds of Speedy Gonzales, The Road Runner and a particle of light put together.

The fact that the above statement violates the laws of Physics is entirely irrelevant and any urges to check this allegation out with "New Scientist" should be forcefully ignored until further notice.

The system in question was conveniently along the route I was headed down anyway, so I decided to join Origim and his friend Noreen, for some late-night bouncing around inside a planet. I was impressed that Noreen did her bouncing in style.

Whereas I did mine in a Condor, she did hers in a capital ship:

A moment later I was gang-warped to the sun and was told that we were about to imminently cause Sir Isaac Newton to turn in his grave. The building excitement was unbearable and I quickly aligned my little condor and tilted the camera to grab a truly spectacular picture:

We suddenly accelerated and warped inside the planet, and at that moment I felt like I was simultaneously nowhere and everywhere. I could see a billion dazzling copies of myself, merging and splitting into the nothingness of the ether.

My control panel registered my speed:

I suddenly broke free of the planet and abruptly shrunk back into my body. After Noreen informed me that this technique was regularly used to perform "Fly By Shootings" I thanked her for the dazzling display of lunacy that I had just been part of.

It was then that I was offered a job in a system at the very edge of ASCN space (the third job I had done out here), adjacent to the Stain region I was heading to and I was very glad that I accepted because I subsequently discovered something alarmingly astonishing.

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 036 - I Wanna Take You

2006-09-03T02:28:00.000+01:00

I Wanna Take You

After exerting some considerable effort, and not unlike a vast couch potato raised on a diet of Oprah Winfrey, Jenny Jones, Sally Jessy Raphael and Ricki Lake, I managed to unsteadily hoist myself out of my very comfortable sofa in the Red Moon refinery at the bottom of the universe.

Unfortunately, the game then decided to announce to me that my "local session" had become just like the Mafia, Richard Nixon and the wonderful executives at ENRON all rolled into one:

After numerous frustrated attempts to get back in, during which the game almost just loaded, and just almost loaded, and tantalisingly looked like it was just about to almost load, I eventually smashed my way back in once more and decided that the day had finally come upon which I would leave the serene tranquility of my little hideaway at the bottom of ASCN space.

It was time to venture forth once more unto the great beyond that lay in waiting for me. I had a date with destiny and I knew I was a survivor.

I looked at my ancient map, and after much deliberating and calculating, I decided that I had no idea where I should go next. This pleased me immensely because it was this very unpredictable nature of my journey that made the experience fun for me.

I had previously been given some bookmarks for the Stain region so I decided that I would head out that way first and would see where I ended up.

I had almost finished copying the bookmarks into my People & Places folder when suddenly, and entirely unexpectedly (and some would argue very appropriately as I had "Stain" on my mind) I was contacted by a pilot who was a world renowned astronaut of the anal kind, had bitten more pillows than a million starving dust mites, and who regularly packed more fudge than a very large confectionery factory.

Naturally, I was speechless at being in the presence of a man who, if he was asked to choose a place to sit, on the christmas tree of life, would most definitely opt to be the fairy on top.

I quietly pressed my back against the nearest wall and continued in my conversation with a man who, like a versatile chess player, was able to play with a large number of openings.

It would seem that he had heard of my adventures on the grapevine (or on the Marvin Gaye) and had come out in order to look me up. A couple of minutes later he repeated one of the lines from a classic song by Electric Six and I was swiftly invited to the "blue oyster bar" for a stiff cocktail, some coq-au-vin, a big helping of rump steak and some very salty tasting beef jerky.

Backdoor also took the opportunity to introduce me to a new dance craze that was known as the "five knuckle shuffle". I wasn't entirely sure how it worked so it was fortunate that he offered to give me a hand...

Luckily, he then informed me that he had very graciously decided to forgive me for my previous below-the-belt homophobia at having chosen to form a relationship with the female MissyTrex (who incidentally had subsequently revealed to me that her husband had left her) and I thanked him for turning the other cheek.

As I left his establishment I could have sworn I heard him asking if I would be willing to come again. I considered this for a while but concluded that twice in one night would probably be pushing it a bit too far.

After having finally met the great bandit himself, I suspected that if he were a landscape gardener, he would have a lawn full of rabbits to deal with, conveniently leaving him with a large number of holes to fill.

It was then that I was shockingly contacted by a pilot who decided to reveal one of the greatest secrets of EVE to me........

(to be continued......)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 035 - Sing For Your Supper

2006-08-31T21:11:00.000+01:00

Sing For Your Supper

After much deliberation, I decided that I would defer my thrilling visit to the EVE gate until I had been able to find a more appropriate route.

I sat down for a while in my pod, and as I was beginning to plan my next exciting move, I was suddenly contacted by a wild-eyed person whom I could only describe as being the most accident prone individual in the entire universe.

I had barely managed to say "nice to meet you" when he decided to inform me of his boundless fame and notoriety:

Well, with an introduction of this magnitude, I was naturally fascinated. Several minutes into the conversation, and after having used my thesaurus, dictionary and pocket anagram solver to decipher his words, I managed to garner a semblance of understanding about Daniel's life in EVE.

It would seem that he was a self-confessed forum addict and someone whom most other people found to be (in his own words) "extremely annoying". As further evidence of this, he suggested that I look at his incredulous employment history:

Indeed it would appear to be utterly true. The list of organisations that he had been booted out of was so very very long that to accurately measure it would require the usage of an astonishingly lengthy unit of measurement.

After reading this 5 googolplex megamile run-down of all the places he had been fired from, I found myself spinning from the sheer dizziness of it all. It was then that he decided to inform me of two truly astounding things:

I was very tempted to ask why he had agreed to sing to people on their Teamspeak in the first place. Presumably one would guess that perhaps it would not be the best of ideas but apparently this did not occur to him........

Nonetheless, he had valiantly sung for his supper and had been subject to a large amount of ridicule as a result. In addition to all this, he had lost around 70 billion isk during his time in the game, and yet here he was still happily playing. I had no choice but to admire his utter stickability.

It was for these reasons that I decided that I liked Daniel.

Unfortunately, it would appear that his 3-year run of bad luck had not yet ended because he then broke the sad news to me of a terribly horrific accident that had transpired not more than just a few hours ago:

I was quite sure that if Daniel Jackson was in the UK, his name would be Frank Spencer.....

After this very enjoyable conversation with someone I couldn't help but simultaneously laugh at and respect, my thoughts were cast back to the bizarre asssortment of pilots I had encountered thus far in my journey.

During my time up in the North I had come across a pilot who was equally insane and was named after the only computer processor in history that was hotter than the core of the sun:

CB had decided to travel 50 jumps in order to come and visit me, purely so that he could say "hi". After daringly traversing the plains of EVE and dodging three gatecamps he had eventually made it to me, said "hi" and then promptly logged out because he had to get up for work the next morning...

After reminiscing, I then began to notice that people were becoming very edgy in Local. For the past few days there had been a heightened number of alerts that vicious vagabonds had been prowling ASCN space, intent on causing mayhem.

I then discovered just exactly who they were:

I had planned to leave soon but I now wondered if things were about to get very very interesting around here...

(to be continued....)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 034 - Elementary, My Dear Watson

2006-08-29T06:13:00.000+01:00

Elementary, My Dear Watson

I spent the evening in a quandary, mulling over my shocking dilemma.

Eventually, after much soul searching and forceful self-probing I concluded that I would try to form a stunning relationship with the voluptuous and stinking rich jezebel "Missy".

Perhaps once I had finally gotten my hands on her substantial assets, I would forvermore be straighter than the path that a 1-Dimensional being takes when unicycling to work.

The breadth and depth of the above comment may be difficult to appreciate, depending on your perspective on things...

Some time later, I entered into a conversation with several pilots in Local and the subject matter eventually moved on to where I would head to next, in my thrilling journey of exploration.

Several ideas were bounded about by the residents, most of which sounded very agreeable. Some people suggested I head to Stain, some said to Omist and others suggested a visit to the Band of Brothers.

However, the following suggestion was much more intriguing:

It would seem that there was a very arcane and mystical object, buried deep within the structure of EVE, that was a secret portal to somewhere occult and shrouded.

Upon further questioning, I discovered that this gate had been sought after by many an adventurer, but had never been reached. My eyes glimmered with excitement as I realised that this was perhaps the ultimate adventure.

Amazingly, it would seem that certain pilots had even gone to the staggering lengths of building strange and mysterious symbols of worship at this mystery location:

I immediately consulted my map and began to plot a course to this holy shrine of secrecy, only to discover that the only way there was to go via a 0.5 security system!

A journey of many jumps, all of which were through 0.0 - 0.4 space, apart from just one of them, right in the middle, which was 0.5, with no way around! I cursed the infernal designers of the map and began to wonder if I was being toyed with by the ancient and insightful Gods of EVE.

A scene from the classic film "Jason and the argonauts" popped into my mind as I wondered if the developers were sitting there in their opulent hall on the Mount Olympus of Iceland, drinking lavish amphorae of wine and moving small marble mouldings of the players across a large and ancient chessboard, whilst musing over their fates...

I wondered if there was a way to solve this heavy dilemma. Perhaps I could procure the services of a great detective, who would heroically unravel the mystery of the impossible journey for me. I did not know if any such detectives existed in EVE, although I had encountered an alt spy earlier in my adventure so anything was possible.

Besides, if there were any detectives, and if they really were that good, they wouldn't need me to contact them at all. They would already have found out I required their services and would just pop up a chat box on my screen, which is, incidentally, exactly what happened:

Sherlock appeared not to know about my proposed journey to the EVE-Gate but decided instead to inform me that I could dock at a station in the "outer ring" region and could even buy mining barge "Blueprint Originals" there.

Well naturally I was overjoyed at this fine piece of investigating as I had heard that blueprint originals were valuable items to possess. I was just about to congratulate Sherlock on this discovery when I happened to glance at my map and I saw just how close this "nearby station" was:

The great detective was proposing that I travel a mere 102 jumps...

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 033 - The Female Of The Species

2006-08-27T19:40:00.000+01:00

The Female Of The Species

To take my mind off of the troubling problem of having a phalanx of doppelgangers rampantly prowling the mean streets of EVE, I decided that it was time to look for some romance.

I had heard many stories of people falling in love in MMOs, and indeed had even encountered stories of luxurious in-game weddings, so I was confident that there would be someone out there for me too, just waiting to declare their unbridled love for me.

I decided that since my hosts still believed I was famous, I would set my sights high and would attempt to procure a stunning celebrity girlfriend.

I considered this one:

However, I decided against this because I did not find the prospect of being Michael Douglas' "sloppy seconds" very appealing.

The thought of engaging in a loving act of the oral kind, only to horrifically pull out a pair of dentures from Catherine's lady-garden was too much for me...

I concluded that a hipper, sexier, much more trendy celebrity would definitely be more appropriate:

This girl certainly had potential and she definitely knew how to handle herself. I found her to be a very formidable woman and recorded a note in my journal to indicate my potential interest in this relentless slayer of vampires.

It was then, that for an entirely inexplicable reason, I was contacted by a woman who was just waiting to declare her unbridled love for me. Being familiar with the inverse-attraction laws of courting I decided that since she was the one coming on to me, I would play it cool and give the impression I was hard to get:

At this point, she was clearly distraught and decided to reveal to me that she was vastly wealthy. I was liking this situation more and more and decided to make a vague sexual innuendo to add to the excitement of the occasion:

She then closed the window and sent me an evemail, telling me to get back in touch when I was able to pay her more attention. We exchanged a few more evemails, during which I discovered she was a married woman.

I was excited by the prospect of an illicit liaison with an unavailable consort and I was very surprised when she informed me that her husband permitted her to engage in outrageous internet-based flirtation of the highest order.

Missy contacted me again and we engaged in another thrilling conversation:

I sat there, pondering this unusual proposition, and at that moment I was just far too embarrassed to admit that I was unfamiliar with the mechanics of zero-gravity copulation.

Just as I was about to make an excuse I received a huge blast from the past, when a chat-request box appeared on my screen, from none other than the very first person I had ever spoken to at the beginning of my adventure:

I had always wondered what exactly it was that Jackamo wanted all that time ago, and now I had the opportunity to find out.

I decided to delicately probe for more information:

Jackamo was clearly being ambiguous and we both continued to laugh nervously for some time, whilst Missy was shamelessly and desperately throwing herself upon me to attract my attention in the other chat box.

I found myself becoming very confused and was not sure which one of these two hot suitors I should go for.

Missy's large assets were definitely appealing to me but the lure of a forbidden rendezvous at the hands of a thruster-powered heavy assault vessel was also strangely alluring...

What was I to do?

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 032 - Would The Real INNOMINATE NIGHTMARE Please Stand Up?

2006-08-25T06:45:00.000+01:00

Would The Real INNOMINATE NIGHTMARE Please Stand Up?

In the history of online gaming, no single activity has captivated the imaginations of so many people, in such a direct and awe-inspiringly, earth-shatteringly, gut-twistingly, stomach-churningly, nerve-wrackingly, heart-wrenchingly, andrenalin-inducingly, blisteringly, excitingly, tantalisingly, stunningly, shockingly, dazzlingly, sparklingly, glitteringly mesmerising manner than the activity that popped into my mind as a fleeting thought at that moment in time.....

I had heard stories that EVE was famous in the MMO world for one thing and one thing alone. It was an activity that seperated the men from the boys. It was this particular pursuit that placed this game in the highest possible category of greatness.

It was this single facet of the entire EVE experience that thousands of amazed people flocked from all over the world to experience first-hand and to forever have their online gaming experience changed for the better.

I am, of course, talking about this:

I had decided that it was time to find out just how much a n00b can make by mining in 0.0 in the most basic n00b frigate (the bantam), with just two miner 1 lasers and the mining skill on level 1.

I set off and selected an appropriate ore (crimson arkonor) and proceeded to mine 256 m3 at a time, flying back to the station after each load and dodging angel battleship spawns whilst mining, and switching belts where necessary to avoid a nasty and harrowing death.

It took just under 90 minutes for me to mine the required 200 units and I then refined the ore at 71% efficiency at the local station K-9UG4. The station also took a 10% tithe, for the pleasure of providing the service.

After this, I then sold the minerals to region-wide buy orders in the station I was at and my total profit from the expedition was 1,080,000 isk.

I imagined that this was a damn sight more than I would have got by mining Veldspar in 1.0 security space under the same conditions. It served to be a useful exercise because it hinted at the possible riches yet to come.

I then noticed that I had received an extremely intriguing communication of the weirdest order:

I began to wonder if my time was finally up. I had been living the life of a king down here in the south and now my very worst fears had been realised.

I felt like a cast member of the movie "The Exorcist" and I was becoming more and more terrified with each passing second, as I wondered if the curse would reach me too, and strike me down so early in my career.

I followed the link and almost fainted out of abject shock when I witnessed the abomination that was this:

I decided to cast this harrowing scene asunder and to concentrate on more sensible activities. However, a few minutes later, I found myself performing a player search for INNUMINATE to discover what he really looked like.

I had been impersonating him for several days now and couldn't resist the urge to look. I now wish I had never given in to this temptation, because when I did finally perform the character search, I ended up making this truly shocking discovery of the highest magnitude:

As I sat there, looking at me, myself, darth vader and my father, I could have sworn I heard Eminem prancing around in the back of my mind, and rapping the immortal words: "Would the real INNOMINATE NIGHTMARE please stand up?"

I decided that drastic action was called for and I immediately set about putting a cunning plan into effect.........

(to be continued.....)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 031 - As Cold As Ice

2006-08-24T21:24:00.000+01:00

As Cold As Ice

The next day, after having spent the night receiving deep back massages by promiscuous ASCN commanders in the luxurious Love Shack, I encountered a voluptuous minx of a pilot who went by the entirely unexpected name of "Helen":

I was somewhat surprised at the simplicity of her name and I imagined that, if she were a telephone number or a car license plate, she would surely sell for a truly enormous amount of isk.

I found Helen to be a very friendly and helpful person, who offered to show me around the neighbourhood in a dazzling fashion. I took her up on this kind offer, and some 16 jumps later we arrived at a "Confederation Of Red Moon" station, at the bottom of the universe:

Naturally, I felt obliged to ask the following:

After being greeted by the drugged up residents, Helen asked if I would like to visit a "complex" in order to trounce and pummel some vicious battleships in a truly humiliating manner.

Naturally, I was thrilled at the propsect of this wanton destruction and quickly got into an appropriate vessel to help in the valiant fight.

I took my shuttle......

Upon arriving at the complex, I was informed that this was a "7/10 Zone", where nasty Angel Cartel vessels were rampantly destroying all who dared to enter their foreboding domain.

For the next half an hour or so, as a group of five pilots, we flew around the complex obliterating all who dared walk in our path.

My wallet continually blinked with my share of the bounties and at the end of it Helen split the proceeds of the big loot equally between the remaining three pilots.

This included 13th tier, 15th tier and 16th tier overseer's effects and in total I had made around 30 million isk for about an hour's work. This was my first taste of the wealth that awaits a pilot in 0.0.

I was informed that the first section of the complex re-spawns every 45 minutes, which means that vast fortunes await those with the firepower to defeat it.

It was then, as I was heading home from the complex, that I suffered a vicious and brutal assault, at the hands of a rampant ASCN pilot called Fortior.

I felt a cold shiver run up and down my spine as I was hit. I froze with terror as the weapon struck me down and I wondered if my icy death was yet again imminent.

A frigid sense of danger overcame me and I suddenly felt like the last remaining soldier on an almighty wintry battlefield, surrounded by the dead bodies of his squadron, plagued with memories of bitter conflict, and knowing that the end was nigh.

I then noticed that, miraculously, my ship was suspiciously not taking any damage. At that moment, I saw that I had, in fact, not been struck by a deadly long range cruise missile, but had been the target of something entirely different:

I had been viciously assaulted by none other than a massive intergalactic snowball and now felt extremely embarrassed at the utter sense of terror that I had been overcome with. It was a very good prank and I made sure to congratulate my attacker heartily.

I had very much enjoyed my time with ASCN thus far, but I couldn't help but feel too comfortable here. The local pilots had been very nice to me and I had not been shot at in ages. However, it was for this very reason that I was feeling like an MP3 player sitting on the round table at the court of King Arthur:

I felt extremely out of place.

It was then that a dazzling thought struck me........

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 030 - Southern Blues

2006-08-23T04:35:00.000+01:00

Southern Blues

As I sat and learned the shocking past events of the tumultuous South, a deep and fundamental understanding of the richness of the EVE universe hit me, in a manner not entirely dissimilar to being forcefully struck by a "turkey slap". The EVE universe was a living breathing organ and it was "in your face"....

Apparently, back in January of this year, a group called G and a group called IRON had joined together and had brutally launched an attack on ASCN in an attempt to seize one of their stations.

At this point, I stopped listening to the story for a second because I realised that I had not yet googled my hosts, to find out who they really were:

A quick search on Google revealed that ASCN were the:

American Society for Clinical Nutrition...

I considered this to be a worthy and lofty organisation, whose work, in direct contrast to the waistlines of many US citizens, was in desperate need of spreading. I made a note of this information as I was sure that it would prove to be invaluable later on.

I was further instructed that the seventh letter of the alphabet had disbanded some time afterwards and had founded the cult of Emilio. It would seem that Charlie Sheen's brother had had his hand further back in the deep and mysterious history of EVE than I had previously realised.

Apparently, the attack on the anti-hamburger brigade had taken place because G/IRON had previously launched an unexpected assault on STAIN alliance (I was too terrified to google this) and had brutally crushed them within a week.

My hosts informed me that this was a truly shocking event, as STAIN had been the biggest alliance in the game at the time. Spurred on by this glorious victory, G/IRON had marched further south in a militaristic conquest of grand designs and had launched a series of deadly attacks on the hot-dog haters.

However, these attacks were ultimately destined to fail...

The fascinating thing about this conversation was that I was beginning to develop an understanding of the nuances and complexities that underpinned the politics of the game.

It was then that I was informed of how the betrayal had occurred:

It would appear, if the words of these people were to be taken at face value, that the cult of emilio had ruthlessly and bitterly fired upon these dieticians whilst "being blue" to them. In other words, they had used one of the oldest military tricks in the book and had become friends with someone, only to then attack them, once their defences had dropped.

A shocking tactic that most would agree is either:

A) An abhorrable abomination of the most fundamental kind, exhibiting a total lack of ethics, morality and respect for human life and shunning all decency.

OR

b) Brilliant.

I was intrigued by this but was also mindful that I was only hearing one side of this story. My corporation INNOMINATE NEUTRALITY had proudly declared itself to be neutral in all 0.0 regions, so I made sure not to make a judgement on this matter until I had heard the other side of the story.

I made a note in my journal to ask D2 about it when I returned to the north. Perhaps I would contact Satan for his infernal perspective on the matter.

The next morning, despite the assurances of my hosts that nobody would harm me during my visit, I discovered that I was actually about as safe as a guest on the Jerry Springer show when the guards and bouncers were unexpectedly taking the day off.

In a completely unprovoked and merciless assault, I found myself being shockingly attacked by none other than a member of ASCN.....

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 029 - Celebrity Doubles (Part 3)

2006-08-21T02:50:00.000+01:00

Celebrity Doubles (Part 3)

Witnessing capital ships for the very first time was a spectacular sight.

A device called a "Cynosural Field" was activated and the monstrously large beasts mysteriously jumped into the system via a technologically obscure quantum process that, had I not have seen it, would have somewhat resembled the lights from a christmas tree being chewed up by a malfunctioning quantum vacuum cleaner.

Now some would take such a statement to mean that not seeing this wondrous sight would have sucked bad, or that it would have sucked only if you had thought about not looking at it, or that when you did finally attempt a half-glance it mysteriously simulatenously sucked and didn't suck, and that the measure of its suckiness was entirely in the eye of the beholder due to the fact that all of this only applied if you knew its momentum, which you couldn't possibly know because you could see where it was and must therefore have known its exact position, and if you decided to cleverly conclude that you knew its momentum via the mechanism of not knowing its exact position then you obviously weren't looking at it at all, which would have really really sucked because the ships were big and shiny and made me go "oooooh".....

A few ships further into the parade and another voluminous vessel of quixotic stock veritably induced me to utter the syllable "Aaaaaah", whilst the confetti and ticker tape streamed across my face in the same manner that the star of a shampoo commercial witnesses her hair defy the laws of gravity by doing the exact same.

The remainder of the parade was very enjoyable and I floated there in my pod, living the high life for the first time since my adventure had begun.

Later on, when things had quietened down a little, I managed to sneak off to valiantly commit suicide:

I had decided that since my hosts still believed I was famous, I may as well try to make a quick buck from the situation by podding myself and selling off my frozen corpse at the love shack where I was based:

All I needed to do now was to sit back and await a mystery buyer. I wondered just how long I would have to wait.

I was sure that someone could only purchase such a piece of merchandise if they were utterly stinking rich and wanted to make a statement of their vast wealth and power by chucking away two hundred and fifty million isk on a frivolous impulse purchase.

Surely no such person existed....

I began to wonder if the whole celebrity thing had changed me. In my adventure thus far, I had never asked a single person for a single thing and I now suddenly found myself auctioning off my dead body for a quarter of a billion, in order to feed my celebrity mindflood addiction.

I threw away my truffles in disgust and attempted to regain my humble former-self. At that moment I felt like an injured dove, alternately ascending and plummeting and desperately trying to struggle to regain a sense of normality as I attempted to fly without wings.

I knew I was just a n00b in a shuttle and I decided that I had better readjust to reality before NOOTMARE returned from the launch of his latest line of menswear and firmly put me in my place.

A few hours later I found myself sitting around the camp fire in local, being instructed in the vast and rich history of the area by some very nice and friendly people.

I was particularly shocked to learn that these allegedly innocent victims of atrocities had been betrayed in a truly shocking manner by none other than the cult of Emilio.......

(to be continued.......)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 028 - Celebrity Doubles (Part 2)

2006-08-19T16:50:00.000+01:00

Celebrity Doubles (Part 2)

My evil attacker continued to destroy my little shuttle, despite my desperate plea of "1 sec" in Local. He was clearly a mean and violent soul, tortured by years of sorrowful conflict. He mercilessly finished me off and I now found myself sitting in my pod.

Luckily, I was able to quickly warp away and to make a safespot between two asteroid belts. Some of his friends then entered the system and I noticed that they were all members of "Dirty Deeds". At that moment I could not think of a more appropriate name. I had been personally invited here as an exalted guest, and had now become the victim of a dirty deed indeed.

I suspected that a nefarious plot was brewing against me, so I decided to contact Commander Damion to see if he had been involved in this nasty ambush. He was very apologetic and promised to send an immediate armed escort to valiantly usher me the final 7 jumps. I took a moment to explore some of the more unusual stations listed on the map, whilst I awaited the arrival of my bodyguards:

Some time later, my attackers had moved on and I found myself shielded by an 8-strong armed escort of great military prowess. These were experienced pilots who displayed vast knowledge of tactical maneuvering and I couldn't help but wonder if they were about to discover that I was not the glittering celebrity they thought I was.

As they diligently marched me through the next 7 systems and showered me with adoring questions and compliments, I started to get a taste for the lifestyle of the rich and famous and I suddenly found myself wanting to demand caviar and vol-au-vents. I could feel a celebrity hissy-fit building inside me when I was told that I would have to manually click each gate in order to jump through. I was far too famous to be clicking gates and was extremely annoyed by this horrid necessity of manual work.

A short while later, I was escorted through the main town square in AZN-D2, taking a moment to signify my approval of the shining gold statue of NOOTMARE and I then proceeded to dock at "Trevor's Love Shack" and to take a luxury bubble bath of ylang ylang, jasmin and sea salts.

I inhaled the exotic fumes deeply, as strawberry beeswax candles melted seductively adjacent to my oversized bath and rose petals modestly covered my privates. My thoughts lazily drifted into sweet nothings of melodious joy....

An even greater sense of astonishment overcame me when Damion informed me that ASCN had arranged a military fly-by of capital ships, to mark my arrival in their citadel. I could barely begin to imagine such a wondrous event and was informed that the parade would begin whenever I was ready to undock. I dried myself in a luxury Egyptian camel-hair towel and prepared to take my place as guest of honour at the airshow.

By now I had become so embroiled in the whole lifestyle that there was no way I could ever stop myself from indulging. I munched on some Cote D'Azur grapes that were being hand-fed to me by several busty ASCN slave-girls and I sat back and enjoyed being showered with compliments and gifts while the flashes from the paparazzi lit up the night sky:

Various ships, a set of 5 implants, lots of mods and other miscellaneous items were thrust into my hands as my wallet continually blinked with money being thrown at me by INNUMINATE's adoring fans.

I hoped that my imposterdom would never be revealed, and as the hero-worship escalated I wondered if a high-ranking ASCN official was about to offer to polish my helmet......

I relaxed in my pod, sipping Moet & Chandon and flicking through the pages of vogue, and almost fainted out of awe and wonder as the stunning military fly-by of immense capital ships began......

(to be continued.....)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 027 - Celebrity Doubles (Part 1)

2006-08-18T17:00:00.000+01:00

Celebrity Doubles (Part 1)

As I pondered my next move, I received a communication from a fleet commander in a group called ASCN, informing me that I had been granted safe passage and docking rights throughout their entire region and was to be their exalted guest of honour.

Upon talking to this commander, I was also advised that he had been personally assiged to me and that he was my loyal servant, sworn by blood oath to valiantly serve and protect me on my journey south...

Naturally, this was clearly an error of identification. I concluded that there must be a famous celebrity in EVE called INNUMINATE NOOTMARE, who was away on an extended business trip to the other side of the universe.

They must have accidentally confused me with him. I wondered whether I should say anything, or if I should just take advantage of the fortuitous situation and see what happened.

I decided to do the right thing, and kept my mouth shut.....

Damion informed me that I was to be the esteemed guest of honour, at a banquet held in my name, in a system called AZN-D2, far down at the south of the map. I played along with this and decided to see how long it would take them to discover that I was not INNUMINATE and was merely a man in a shuttle.

After studying the map, I observed that the target system was a monstrous 29 jumps further south and that I was currently in the middle of pirate-central (Curse) where there had been many ship and pod kills in the past hour.

Damion offered to nobly travel the 29 jumps to come and pick me up, but I decided that this could result in him questioning me about NOOTMARE's career on the long journey back, and I would end up revealing that I was an imposter. I quickly fobbed him off and declared that I would make my own way down there.

I undocked from the station and warped to the first gate, only to discover that it was covered by a huge warp bubble. I had flown straight into a gate camp.

Luckily, this camp was designed to attack people coming through the gate, not people approaching it and after manually flying out of the bubble I was able to warp away. I made sure to make my feelings clear in the chat box:

The boy scouts who had constructed this camp remained suspiciously quiet so I decided that I would wait it out for a while, before trying again. There were no shuttles for sale at the station I was in and I was concerned that I could be left trying to fly 29 jumps in my pod. I noted the name of one of the pilots:

OUT4BLOOD.......

Some time later, local emptied out and I decided to risk making an escape. I undocked and quickly went to the gate and jumped through, only to discover that I was now to be chased by OUT4BLOOD for the next 8 jumps.

He had the advantage of having instas, whereas I had to fly 15km to every gate. He was able to keep up with me very well until we reached a system that had 4 gates, where I warped out of sight before he came through after me. He was forced to take a 1 in 3 chance to catch me and luckily he chose the wrong gate.

Another 14 jumps later and I found myself at the edge of ASCN space. I felt safe now that I was almost there. After all, they were erecting a golden statue of me in the town square, and I was "blue" to everyone whom I would encounter. (well such was the state of affairs until INNUMINATE NOOTMARE returned from his photo-shoot for Time Magazine and exposed me.)

There was another pilot in the system and it was nice to finally be amongst friends. It was so nice, in fact, that I was pleased to sit back and watch this happen:

I let out a shriek of terror as I realised I had approximately 20 seconds to get out of this situation before I was podded and sent 22 jumps back to curse.....

(to be continued...)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 026 - Staying On The Wagon

2006-08-18T02:12:00.000+01:00

Staying On The Wagon

In my journey so far, I had met a vast variety of unique characters, each with differing lives, and I was beginning to truly appreciate the wondrous depth and beauty of this stunning universe.

Nine jumps later, the beauty of the universe was reinforced as I was bitterly attacked by a battleship who was sitting 190km away from the gate I was heading towards. I was astonished by this because I had been led to believe that 120km was maximum range. Nonetheless, he was able to target me and fire at me from this shocking distance.

A large dose of adrenalin pulsed through me and I felt like a panther, swiftly speeding through the night, unflinching, untouchable and absolutely uncatchable, as the shrapnel splintered past my face, and I hurtled towards an uncertain future in the vast jungle of the great beyond.

I certainly felt like one cool cat as I cunningly evaded the battleship (this may have had something to do with the fact that all three hits "barely scratched me") and I joyfully jumped through the gate to live another day.

I arrived at the great market of Curse and docked:

As I browsed the vendors and inspected the vast variety of merchandise on sale, I wondered if there were great profits to be had, supplying one of the many shops here with stock. There were an amazing 7 stations in this system and they sold a large amount of goodies that were essential to most adventurers.

I had been told that it was possible to purchase a blueprint and to use it to manufacture strange and wondrous items. Apparently, many players made a good living from such activities. Perhaps I would look into this idea once I had found a safe place to base myself.

I recorded a note in my journal as a reminder of the location of this mighty bazaar and I decided that I would head further south, to see what great adventures awaited me.

A jump later, I shockingly discovered what had happened after the final Harry Potter film. I wondered if JK Rowling was aware of this surprise twist:

Perhaps he had travelled to the great market of the south, in search of some excellent new magical books, and had been heartlessly podded by muggle pirates along the way. If he had, he certainly wouldn't be the first....

Two jumps later, I docked in a station in XX9-WV and began a conversation with a pilot called Lord Jakara.

I tried not to laugh as I read his bio and discovered that he had been attending very supportive meetings where recovering pirates form a strong social network of positive reinforcement, as they desperately try not to fall off the wagon again:

I couldn't resist the opportunity and began laughing uncontrollably as I thought about his poor and tragic condition, so I asked him how the undoubtedly difficult recovery was coming along:

I genuinely felt sorry for this ex-swashbuckler. I knew it must be difficult to resist the temptation, every time a new name appeared in Local. I only wished there was something I could do to help ease his pain.

I could have sworn I heard the faint rumblings of an almighty YARRRRRRRR building in his lungs, as he desperately tried to stop his finger hovering over the missile launcher buttons in his ship. I was very tempted to fly up and down in front of him in my little shuttle, wiggling my inertial stabilisers to see if he would give in and fire.

However, I decided that if his resolve broke and he fell off the wagon, it would probably end in my podding and I could inadvertantly be the cause of a broken man.

I concluded it would be best to offer my support in this difficult time:

(to be continued..)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 025- The Ultimate Sacrifice

2006-08-17T13:10:00.000+01:00

The Ultimate Sacrifice

Upon undocking from the station, I swiftly flew to a planet and then created a bookmark in deadspace. The number of people in Local had now dropped drastically and I wondered if the bloodshed had ended.

My trusty spy informed me that he couldn't inform me what was happening. I thanked him for this invaulable information and warped to a gate. Luckily, it appeared to be clear of other pilots, so I decided to take the opportunity to make an insta from the gate, back to the station.

As I warped back in, just 15km from the station that I had, only moments ago, undocked from in my shuttle, I was ruthlessly, savagely and demoralisingly set upon by the most carnivorous bunch of lupine hounds I have ever had the misfortune of having encountered.

Naturally, I immediately warped away out of utter disgust at this clearly pointless action. They had seen me undock, so what was the purpose of killing me as I tried to redock at the very same place?

Well I mangaed to escape back to my point in deadspace and I decided that I would not let them murder me in cold blood.

I would rather heroically commit suicide than to die in such a pointless manner.

Having now issued this damning threat, I had no choice but to carry it out in the most severe and direct manner. I clicked the self destruct button on my ship and was disappointed to discover that it would take 120 eternally-long seconds to dispatch myself with a hearty pop.

It was then that it dawned on me that it would be another 120 seconds for the pod.

I had to wait 4 minutes just to kick my own bucket. Was this some kind of cruel joke? Since I had now decided that I was going to detonate myself into oblivion, I figured it wouldn't harm to ask my attackers if I could speed the process up a little.

Astonishingly, they were more than willing to provide me with helpful advice, designed to expediate my sorry demise:

After being presented with the infallible logical argument that I shouldn't be worrying about someone stealing my 9k shuttle since I was about to destroy it anyway, I decided that I would not even give them the slightest chance of taking my vessel and I violently initiated the self-destruct sequence a few seconds before then ejecting from my craft.

The result was quite spectacular and brought a tear to my eye:

I felt like a noble warrior of an age long gone by, who would sacrifice himself for a greater cause, without once flinching or erring from his steady and righteous path.

I knew that I had the upper hand over these incessant cowards who relentlessly attack n00bs in their shuttles, for no reason other than sport. I then announced to Local that I would imminently go through with the ultimate conclusion to my stunning self-euthanasia:

120 seconds later and I was back in the station, purchasing a new clone. I had defeated them and I sat back and rejoiced in my victory. Never had the sound of my pod going squish sounded so damn pleasing. I smiled relentlessly and munched on some bush-tucker.

I then entered into a conversation with a pilot called Avitar, who very kindly informed me that he had some spare ships. There were no condors for sale anywhere in this region, so it was quite fortunate (and somewhat suspicious) that Avitar was able to provide me with the following:

I concluded that Condors were like buses: You wait ages for one and then 16 all turn up at once.

As nightfall arrived, I plotted a course to a mystery station that I had been told was the ultimate shopping Mecca of the south.....

(to be continued......)

The Eve Online 0.0 Experiment - Post 024 - Covert Surveillance

2006-08-15T19:55:00.000+01:00

Covert Surveillance

As I observed the wombats, dingbats, wallabes, possums and koalas from the reinforced perspex window of my shuttle, a chat box scarily appeared on my screen. I tentatively accepted it and promptly discovered that I had been contacted by none other than the southern branch of the mob:

I wondered if the corrupt bible bashers from the north had sent a carrier pigeon down here to warn their associates of my arrival. I cautiously greeted this mystery "recruiter and enforcer" and was threateningly informed of the following:

I wondered if this was the only service that the Chicago Mobsters provided to their clients. Surely it would be financially difficult to sustain a living purely through rendering their enemies unable to walk for a few months. A couple of seconds later, my questions were fully answered when it was explained that their organisation had a supplemental method of deriving extra income:

After this somewhat disturbing introduction to the organisation, I engaged in a very pleasant discussion about life in the Great Wildlands. Apparently, I was in the middle of yet another war-zone and was informed that many a shocking podding would probably be in my near future, should I choose to stay....

Some minutes later, the conversation turned to the subject of jump-clones. It was explained to me that in order to use my Infomorph Psychology skill it would be necessary to have a standing of 8.0 with the station where I wanted to install my dashing doppelganger.

I enquired as to what would happen if, after installing the clone at a player owned station, the standing was then ruthlessly taken away from me:

This was good news indeed. Now all I needed to do was to find someone in 0.0 who was wealthy and powerful, who owned a station, and would be prepared to set a standing of 8.0 with INNOMINATE NEUTRALITY, without thinking that everyone in EVE is an alt spy.

In my journeys so far, I had witnessed countless examples of paranoia from members of organisations terrified at the idea that their competitors and enemies could be spying on them.

I considered this whole concept to be ridiculous and grabbed a drink of mineral water from the nearest billabong. It's one thing to be sensible and cautious, but to continually be terrified that everyone you meet is an alt spy is just downright silly.

I resolved that I would not succumb to this unjustified stupidity. To regain my focus on sensible issues, I began a conversation with another pilot in the system and upon asking him what he does for a living, he informed me that he was an alt spy.......

Several minutes later he was pleased to reveal that his alt spying had been extremely successful and that:

Being safely docked at the time, I was unsure of just how many innocent locals had been brutally slaughtered in this surprise attack. I was experiencing the harsh realities of war once more, not so long after having witnessed the RAZOR battle from the sidelines.

Unlike my previous war, this time I had advance knowledge of what was happening, courtesy of a surprisingly talkative spy...

He informed me that he could not tell me who he was spying on, or to whom he was answerable. This was fine by me, seeing as I had not the slightest clue who any of the people around here were anyway. Besides, I was busy searching for the immortal truth.

I wondered if I would also end up being accidentally killed in this conflict too, as I had been in the north.

I did the sensible thing and undocked so that I could find out...

(to be continued......)